


Inside & OUT

by wrongpuppy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Bottom Alec, Bottom Magnus Bane, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Highly sensitive person (HSP), M/M, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, Police Officer Alec Lightwood, Queer Eye Inspired, Self Care, Slow Burn, Stuttering Alec Lightwood, TV Show Host Magnus Bane, Top Alec Lightwood, Top Magnus Bane, self love, they switch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-04-12 04:11:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 40,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19124320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrongpuppy/pseuds/wrongpuppy
Summary: Magnus Bane, host of TV's popular makeover show "Inside & OUT," has a one-night-stand with a handsome stranger while on the road filming.  Several months later, he and his crew's next client is Officer Alec Lightwood, who needs a little help in learning to love himself.  He's going to meet his new client sight unseen.





	1. In Town For The Night

**Author's Note:**

> A couple things to cover before we begin...
> 
> 1\. I do not own any of these characters, but you all know that.  
> 2\. I know nothing about making a television show.  
> 3\. I know nothing about police officering.  
> 4\. I know nothing about stuttering.  
> 5\. I know nothing about the foster care system.  
> 6\. I know nothing about self-care/self-help.  
> 7\. I am basically Jon Snow, and I know nothing.  
> 8\. If you feel anxious, depressed, if you are suffering from PTSD, if your parents have harmed or rejected you, please seek help from professionals and support from your friends. You're not alone. It's rough out there; you could use some kindness.  
> 9\. I did not mean for this to be so long, and no, I'm not done yet. I thought I'd write a sexy AU for my darling Spitcritter, and they said I should post it, even though it's still a work in progress.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus goes on a blind date

     Another week, another backasswards Midwest city full of darling citizens with viperous tongues and hearts of gold.  Magnus sighed heavily as he settled on the firm bed in the motel room that Catarina had kindly provided for him.  Not everyone on the crew was treated to a single Queen room; he knew that.  He shouldn’t complain.  Poor Raphael was bunking with Simon, and while Magnus appreciated the neurons that fired in that complicated videographer’s brain, sometimes he wished that it wasn’t so hopelessly hardwired to his mouth.  Simon was brilliant, but he had not shut up the whole drive from Des Moines.  Catarina was flying in for the pre-filming conference, but she had managed to catch up on Magnus’s increasingly frantic texts indicating his desire to jump off the next high rise they passed if he had to continue entertaining for the entire trip.  Hence the single room.

     Magnus was not a prima donna (minor) celebrity by any means, but he did think that he had earned this little luxury.  He worked hard, considering that the show was his entire life and he accepted calls and consults at all times of day or night, and he never took it for granted that he had somehow managed to carve out a niche market for himself in the reality TV makeover game.  He didn’t make insane demands, unless they were for the show.  He had never refused to come out of a trailer, not even once… not that he had a trailer.  Maybe he should ask Cat for a trailer so he could try refusing to emerge.  He dismissed that thought when he realized how expensively elaborate a prank that would end up being, and then he would have to find something to do with it after the joke had played out.

     He looked around his room, generically decorated as all motels seemed to be.  It was reasonably clean, and the bedding and furniture seemed to be in good shape.  Climbing to his feet, he investigated the bathroom, and found a decent shower and a wide vanity around the sink.  Excellent.  He was exhausted from the long drive, but his brain was too wired from the boredom of watching cornfields all day.  He needed to get out and stretch his legs.

     Unlocking his phone, he turned on his dating app.  There had to be some lonely hearts out there in a city like this.  It had been a long time since he had been on this particular app.  He had taken a long stint off of hookups and dating after the Camille debacle.  She had done her best to poison the waters in New York, and he had spent several hellish months soothing the frayed nerves of the public while Cat and Raphael set about sweeping up the broken shards of his heart.  It had been a long time since anyone had shared his bed aside from Chairman Meow.  Years, actually.  Magnus frowned at that realization.

     His phone buzzed as the app updated, and he began to look at the profiles that popped up in his vicinity.  Wow, that’s a lot.  He adjusted the filter to Men Seeking Men, deciding that he was in the mood, and the pool became substantially smaller.  Typical, but convenient for screening.  There were a few profiles that looked promising, but suddenly one of the icons caught his eye.  Most of the men on this app had profile photos of their abs on display, or a car (really?), or some ‘thug life’ style selfie that gave absolutely no indication of the personality beyond the fact that they were someone who chose to wear and advertise themselves with a backwards cap.  Unforgiveable.  Magnus’s own profile was of a candle and a shower of sparks, which was, in itself, pretentious, but Cat had insisted that he keep his trysts out of the public eye.  Which was fine by him.  _This_ profile photo was of a bowed head, almost as though the man had been trying to hide while someone else took the picture.  What he could tell from the features was dark hair, intense eyebrows, and the hint of a curving lip.  Shy, huh?

 

Alexander, 25

 1 miles away

| 

I’m in town for the night.  
  
---|---  
  
 

     Well, it was either shy, or painfully artistic.  Everyone else had some inane message on their profiles about the literature they were reading and the deep thoughts they were thinking.  But this, now… This man was In Town For The Night.  Which was just the right amount of time for him to be around.  Magnus needed some fun.

     He tapped the profile and sent a message.

 

**AllThatGlitters:**   _Well hello there, who are you?_

 

     It was okay to be coy.  He could reel him in with a word if he put his mind to it.  He set down his phone, checked himself in the mirror, and then turned on the shower.  He wanted to look his best if this date worked out.  Given the opportunity with optimal conditions, Magnus could spend hours on bathing and grooming.  In a motel with less than five stars, Magnus could cut his ablutions down to ten minutes.  When he emerged from the shower, he saw that there was a message on the app.

 

**Alexander:**   _I thought the name would be evident._

     Oh!  A rude boy.  That could be interesting.

 

**AllThatGlitters:**   _Not big into flirting, I see._

 

     Chew on that, you scamp.  The usual response now would be ‘Nah but im into fucking’ or ‘LOL jk where u at.’

 

**Alexander:**   _Sorry, this is my first time using this.  My sister made me set it up, since I was gonna be out of town this weekend.  I don’t know how this works._

 

     Oh, be still my heart.  That was the least romantic thing anyone could have ever said, and yet Magnus was surprised to discover that he was smiling.  He had so many questions.

 

**AllThatGlitters:**   _Are you not Out in your hometown?_

 

**Alexander:**   _Uh… not really.  I mean, my family knows.  Is this part of the app?  I thought this was supposed to help me to meet people._

 

     Oh my god… maybe his sister really had set up this profile for him.  What if this guy was completely socially inept?  His typing skills and grammar were okay, and his sentences were sensible, if a little serious.  Magnus needed answers.  He had a whole week to kill in this town.  If tonight’s date went sideways, he could try again tomorrow.

 

**AllThatGlitters:**   _Well, you’re not that far away from me.  Want to meet up for a drink?_

 

**Alexander:**   _Sure.  Where?_

 

     What was the name of that bar they’d passed? 

 

**AllThatGlitters:**   _The Social Bar looked good.  It’s on State Street._

 

**Alexander:**   _When?_

 

**AllThatGlitters:**   _I can be there in 45 minutes.  You?_

 

**Alexander:**   _Sure.  How will I know you?_

 

**AllThatGlitters:**   _I’ll give you a hint – Look at my name and take it to heart._

 

     With that, Magnus set the phone down again, and began to apply his war paint.  He had said something clever about tigers and stripes to Clary once when she had suggested a new look.  He enjoyed painting his eyes.  It was partly for effect, but equally it was part ritual.  As he brushed and blended, he could decide who he wanted to be tonight.  He obviously shot down the Asian boy angle.  He’d done that once, and he had decided that was enough fetishized racism for a lifetime.  He could be larger than life.  He could be careworn.  He could be the wise older gentleman, since Alec was several years younger than him.  He could be a party boy – he did love a good party.  In the end he decided to be a blend of a cultured man just out for some fun for the night.  It was as close to honest as he was going to be.

     He chose an outfit that glittered adequately.  A loose, black, flowing silk top with a neckline that plunged to his waist, embroidered with micro sequins to catch the light when he moved.  A layer of gold bangles on one wrist, some with dangling charms and chains.  A ring for each finger.  A long lanyard chain necklace of gold with a crystal pendant.  Layered belts over black leather pants that he had had tailored to fit him obscenely well.  Checking himself out in the mirror, he nodded.  He found himself sexy, which meant that half his work was already done.

     He dutifully contacted Catarina and told her where he would be, and what he was doing.  Although he would prefer to keep his affairs private, as his producer and good friend, he felt honor-bound to keep her abreast of his comings and goings.  Camille had seen to it that he could not risk going out without warning someone of his whereabouts.

     “And who is it you’re meeting with?” Catarina asked over the phone.  She sounded exhausted and irritated.  She was still in a taxi, on her way to the hotel, and there was a massive collision on the freeway that was preventing her from making acquaintance with her booked board and bed.

     “I’m not exactly sure of his name, but he’s going by Alexander tonight.  We’re just going to go to the Social Bar for a drink, and if it gets interesting, we’ll take it home.  I’m not up for a night on the town,” Magnus said.

     “Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, okay?” she said.

     Magnus scoffed.  “That leaves me with an incredibly short leash!”

     “Fine!  Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do outside the bedroom,” she grumbled.

     “Thank you, my dear.  I hope you get here soon.  The bath tubs look very inviting,” he said, smiling as he said good bye.

* * *

     Magnus arrived at the Social Bar about five minutes late.  As he walked by the large bay windows, he took a peek inside.  One thing he loved about going out at night was the luxury of seeing into the brightened buildings without necessarily being noticed in the dark outside.  The bar was reasonably full, but most of the patrons appeared to be in groups of two to four.  There was one man, however, who sat by himself at the bar.  Dark hair, dark jacket, dark shirt, dark pants, but the rest was obscured by the warped designer glass.  Magnus pulled out his phone and opened the dating app again.

 

**AllThatGlitters:**   _I’m here!_

 

     A few seconds after he sent the message, the man alerted and picked up his phone.  He began to look around.  Smiling, Magnus walked in, and made a B-line for the bar.  Heads turned, of course.  He was brilliantly dressed and painted to be exotically beautiful, with wild black hair streaked with red and gold.  Everything about him was designed to delight the eye.  He spotted his date as the man turned to look for him.  As the crowds parted, Magnus made a point of catching his eye. 

     … And promptly had his breath taken away.  The man was gorgeous.  He had the messy dark hair that had been visible in the profile photo, yes, but it spiked and waved attractively around a long, lean face with those intensely expressive eyebrows and sculpted lips that looked like they’d just sucked off a lollipop.  Magnus flashed his most brilliant smile as the man stood, but he forgot himself for a moment when he realized that he was tall enough that Magnus would be staring at his nipples if he did not crane his head back.  Wow.  Magnus suddenly remembered that documentary where a lion had tried to take down a giraffe, and wondered at his own chances.

     “Hi,” the man said, the timbre of his voice both deep and tremulous.  “A-a-are you… m-my date?”

     Magnus could not convince himself to wipe the Cheshire grin from his face.  “Is your name Alexander?”

     “I-I-I yeah that’s my… I’m Alexander,” he said.  His deep hazel eyes stared at Magnus, and he wondered if maybe Alexander was wearing lash extensions, because there was no way that anyone’s eyelashes were that long naturally.

     “Well, then, I am your date, as promised.  I apologize for my tardiness,” he said, not meaning a word of it.

     “It’s fine,” Alexander said as he offered a chair.  “I just got here a little while ago.”

     Magnus looked at the bar and noted that he had been nursing a beer glass that was almost empty.

     “Are you sure?  Or did you belt that back for nerves?” he said, teasing.

     Alexander looked to the beer glass, and nodded sheepishly, as though he had been caught.  “Sorry, I… I guess I was a little eager to get here.  I didn’t realize that you actually meant forty-five minutes when you said forty-five minutes,” he said.  He ducked his head.  “I-I was in the area, and… well this is not home so…”

     Magnus understood.  There was something so lonely about staying in a town that was not your own.  No incentive to hole up in the comfort of home, because there was no home to go to.  No friends to visit.  No family to call from the road.  You might as well go out, since there’s nothing worth staying in for.  “Well, let’s see if I can’t get caught up while we catch up,” he said, sitting down on the adjacent stool.

     Alexander frowned a little, and his expression took on the ponderous look of someone puzzling through a tricky riddle.  “Don’t you catch up if you already know the person?”

     Magnus rewarded him with a beatific smile.  “You really aren’t big into flirting, are you?”

     Alexander’s eyes flicked in a dozen directions, and his cheeks pinked prettily.  “I-I’m… I-I-I… I-I don’t really know how,” he said.

     And that?  That was the sound of Magnus’s heart breaking just a little.  “So, Alexander, you have an account on a dating app that you don’t know how to use, that your sister set up for you, and you have no idea how to actually flirt with a man.  Are you sure you know what you’re here for?” Magnus said.

     Alexander drank down the last of his beer and signalled for the bartender to attend them.  He had a sour look on his face.  “I know enough,” he grumbled.  “What should I call you?”

     Magnus’s eyebrows shot up, both at the sass and at the question.  “You don’t recognize me at all, do you?” he said in wonder.  Most guys he tried to date were into him because he was Asian or because he was a minor celebrity, or both.  It was one of the reasons he didn’t use his name or photo on the dating app.  Most men he chose to date figured out pretty quick that he was Magnus fucking Bane from TV’s ‘Inside & OUT,’ the show where they took the cases of near-hopeless victims of low self-esteem, and built them up to fierce self-worth and hope, with fashion tips and self-care tricks and a lot of positive feedback.  It was called ‘Inside & OUT’ because the show emphasized that you had to love your insides as much as your outsides, and it was very, very queer.  Clary might be the only entirely straight person on their team, but even she was an outspoken ally.  His show was kind of a big deal.  They’d been nominated for an award.

     “Should I?” Alexander asked.

     “No!  Not at all,” Magnus said, smiling.  “What would you like to call me?”

     Alexander frowned even more deeply, looking thoroughly confused.  “I’d like to call you your name?” he said, ending in a question.

     Magnus rolled his eyes and laughed.  “Okay, okay, call me Markus,” he said, lying easily.

     The bartender wandered over, and Magnus ordered a dirty martini, extra dirty, and another round for the ‘gentleman.’

     The gentleman who was watching him with his lustrous eyes and an oddly suspicious look.  “Okay,” he said, a slight huff in his tone.  “Markus.”

     That earned him a sly side eye.  “Sure,” he said.

     This date was not going exactly as he had hoped.  Far too little play.  Alexander seemed on edge, out of his element. Sighing, Magnus turned toward him and smiled.

     “You’re a tough nut to crack, Alexander,” he said as he crossed his ringed fingers.  “You don’t seem to be enjoying yourself.  Something bothering you?”

     Alexander looked startled, then abashed.  “N-no… I-I-I’m sorry, I’m just… I’m really nervous.”

     “I can tell,” he said gently.  “What has you nervous here?  We’re two adults, meeting for the first time, enjoying a drink in a bar.  The stakes are pretty low.”

     Alexander began to rub his neck unconsciously.  “Yeah… I just don’t know what to expect.  I d-don’t get out to bars with b-beautiful men all that often.”

     Magnus smiled and leaned back.  “So, you think I’m beautiful?”

     Magnus may as well have grown a second head, from the way Alexander looked at him.  “Yes,” he said simply.

     “Well, that’s wonderful news.  I find you stunning, and I think I would like to get to know you better.  But I’ll tell you now, as for what to expect, the night is ours.  We can simply enjoy our drinks and some light conversation, and call it good.  Or we can end the night with my legs around you—” Alexander nearly choked on his fresh beer, and he looked like a deer caught in the headlights— “and lip gloss on your cock.  There’s really no pressure.  I’m just glad for the company,” he said. 

     Alexander made a small noise that might not have been intentionally audible.  Magnus wondered if he might have broken him.

     “It’s up to you,” Magnus said.  “I think we should start with the drinks, though.”

     Alexander coughed and studied his beer as a deep blush worked its way up his neck.  God, but Magnus loved to make a strong man blush.  “Y-Yeah,” he breathed.  “Yeah, let’s s-s-start with the drinks.”

     Magnus nodded and sipped at his martini.  “So, what do you do?  Understand, we can be vague, since this is an app date.”

     Alexander paused to think about his answer.  “I’m… I’m a public servant,” he said.

     “Oooh, very clever.  You could be… hmm… A public defense lawyer?  The mayor’s personal assistant… An engineer in the City Works office.  Oh, it could be anything.  That’s a good answer, Alexander!” he said.

     “Thanks,” he replied, looking slightly pleased at the praise.  “What do you do?”

     “I like to think that I help people for a living,” Magnus said.  That, at least, was true.

     “What, like a counselor?”

     “Sometimes,” he said.

     Alexander pondered this.  “Only sometimes?”

     “Sometimes all it takes is an ear to listen, Alexander,” he said.  He liked the way the man’s name trilled off his tongue.  “And I am very observant of human behaviour.”

     “Like how?” Alexander asked.

     “Well, like how I noticed that you occasionally stutter.  You don’t do it all the time, so I’m imagining it’s reflexive.  Maybe this is a new situation, maybe you’re uncomfortable.  You don’t seem quite at ease, and you fidget with your hands, making self-soothing gestures.  So, with all that, I can guess that this might be your first time on a blind date, and the uncertainty is giving you anxiety,” he said.  As he spoke, he watched Alexander’s face fall and close off.  “But,” Magnus continued quickly, “I can also tell that you are someone who is kind and thoughtful.”

     Alexander scoffed.  “And you can tell that by, what, how I sit in my chair?”

     Magnus leaned back, and looked him up and down.  Definitely a good view from here.  “Your body is facing towards me, which means you’re open to listening to me, but no, I can gather that you are kind by the way you called the bartender.”

     Alexander looked skeptical.

     “Some people would shout or snap or slap the bar if they wanted attention,” Magnus said, shrugging.  “You were waiting until you caught his eye, and then smiled and waved.  The ‘sorry to bother you’ wave, that a lot of people who put others first often use.  And ‘thoughtful’ is easy, because I can basically watch the wheels turning in your head every time you think about your answers.”

     The man looked a little surprised by his observations.  Then he leaned back and gave him a half smile.  “My sister says she can hear me thinking from across the room,” he said.

     “I believe it.  So, you’re close with her?” Magnus asked, sipping his drink.

     “Yeah, her and my brother.  They’re kinda my best friends,” he said.

     “Must be nice to have siblings.  I am an only child,” Magnus said.

     Alexander nodded, watching the foam on his beer.  “Yeah, I might have guessed,” he said.

     “Oh?” Magnus said, curious.  “Really?  How?”

     “Well, you are clearly extroverted, but gracious in that self-sustaining way that says you never had to fight for attention or approval.  I mean, I think you seem like you enjoy the attention, but it’s not competitive.  You just expect it,” Alexander said.  “I see that a lot with only kids.”

     It was Magnus’s turn to look a little skeptical.  “You’re making this up,” he said.

     “When you entered the room, it was like all the lights went out and all eyes turned your way, and you strutted up like you were on a runway,” Alexander said.

     Which said more about Alexander’s perception of his entrance than Magnus’s actual intentions, but it was kind of sweet. Still, he couldn’t give the man such an easy win.  “I do not strut!” he scoffed into his martini.

     “All you needed was the heels and the flash photography, man.  It’s like you’re a star,” Alexander said.

     Magnus laughed, and Alexander grinned wide, delighted.  The sight of his smile made Magnus’s heart quicken.  What a beautiful boy!  Magnus had to chew his bottom lip to try to keep from salivating.  Sucking air through his teeth, he turned back to his drink.

     “Well, if you call me a star again, then I may have to jump your bones on principle,” he said.

     Alexander looked at him with a steady expression, something mischievous behind his eyes.  “You’re a star,” he said, as though he was willing to try his luck.

     Oh, it was like that was it?  Tonight _was_ going to be a good night.


	2. A Very Good Listener

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How's about a one-night-stand? (NSFW)

     They did not leave the bar right away.  Magnus wanted to enjoy a drink or two before making up his mind on his prospective lover, regardless of his suggestive comments.  In the end, Alexander had two beers and, with some coaxing from Magnus, a fruity cocktail that probably had more alcohol than was reasonable.  The spirits did the trick, though.  As the last of the drink was slung back, Tall Dark And Handsome finally seemed to be relaxed.  His mouth curved into a sweet smile as Magnus entertained him, and, although his eyes might have lost their laser focus, he still looked at Magnus like he was the most fascinating creature he had ever seen.  Which suited Magnus just fine.

     When Alexander motioned for their bill, Magnus casually dropped a hand to his thigh.  “Do you want to take this someplace more private?” he asked softly.

     It was startling how easily he could make the tall man blush, but avid hazel eyes stared at him like he was hypnotised. “Yes?” he breathed, ending with almost a question.

     Magnus smiled.  “I have a place, not far,” he said.

     They exited the bar, and just before setting off for the motel, Magnus reached out and hooked Alexander’s elbow, halting him.  “Wait,” he said.  “I just have to check something.”

     The impressive eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

     “I think we should maybe kiss.  Like now.  Just to see if—” Magnus was stopped from whatever bullshit line he was going to feed his date, as Alexander leaned down to capture his lips with his own.

     Magnus had a theory that, if the first kiss did not leave him wanting more, then any cavorting that followed would not be worth the effort.  It was not as though he doubted his and Alexander’s chemistry, but it was always worth a check.  Just in case.

     He was not expecting exactly this result.

     Alexander’s lips were plush and full, tasting tartly of maraschino and bourbon.  Magnus shuddered as his mouth was gently taken, feeling as though a wave of electricity had struck and grounded him, and he made a small, helpless sound at the back of his throat.  Unconsciously, his hands reached forward to grab at Alexander’s jacket, both to steady himself and to pull the man closer.  The kiss was chaste, slightly damp, strong, soft, controlled, forceful, tender.  Magnus opened his mouth to gasp, shakily trying to catch his breath.  He had never been kissed like that before.  Like the kiss was making promises that his heart had never thought to ask for.  Tilting his chin up, he offered himself again, testing the reaction.

     His companion met him full force, this time slipping a hand around the small of his back, pressing Magnus to his chest.  This time, the electric feel crawled down Magnus’s spine and directly into his groin.  Groaning, he opened his mouth slightly, and a soft tongue brushed against his, as though asking permission to enter.  Smiling around the kiss, Magnus flicked his own tongue against Alexander’s teeth.  Maybe the booze had gone to his head, but he suddenly found himself swaying backwards as Alexander pushed him against the brick exterior of the building.  The man’s weight was welcome, firm, and magnetic.  Magnus was suddenly filled with the scent of strong soap, leather, and something unfamiliar but similar to petrichor, and his own body seemed to decide that that was the ambrosia that he was suddenly hooked on.  He could feel his dick pulse appreciatively, and his leather pants were immediately an inconvenience.

     Breathless, Magnus broke the kiss suddenly, panting slightly and staring up at Alexander.  For his part, the other man seemed equally stunned, gazing at him as though he was magical.

     “We should get to my room,” Magnus said, “now.”

     Alexander nodded as though he did not trust himself to speak.  The ground to the motel was covered quickly with the taller man’s rangy gait and Magnus’s own impatient trot.  They did not meet any patrons in the hallways leading up to the room.  As Magnus fiddled with the key card, Alexander floated a hand down his spine, settling at the small of his back, rubbing almost absently until the lock clicked open.  It was not an aggressive move at all, but there was something intimate about it.  Magnus turned and took the hand, pulling Alexander through the door.

     Once they were locked inside, Alexander stood staring down at him as though he was not sure what his next move should be.  Magnus answered his unasked question by curling a hand around his neck and drawing him in for another kiss.  And damn if this one wasn’t just as heady as the last.  Their mouths locked, and Magnus began to back towards the bed, pulling his catch after him.  He gracefully lowered himself down, and Alexander followed without breaking away.  Magnus crawled back awkwardly with one hand, shimmying slightly to inch up the bed, while Alexander prowled on all fours above him, still caught at the neck by ringed fingers.

     Magnus felt a flutter in his stomach when he finally laid back, and Alexander’s weight covered him.  The taller man reached up, stroking along his brow, and then he began to comb his fingers through Magnus’s thick, spiked mohawk.  He hummed indulgently, and then moaned when the fingers caught the hair in a soft grip.  He suddenly found himself fully invaded by Alexander’s darting tongue.  The man pressed against him, licking into his mouth, deep and filthy.  He could feel the other’s cock digging into his hip, and he whimpered.

     “I-“ he panted between the volleys of Alexander’s lavish tongue.  “-I think we… we should… no clothes,” he finished lamely, momentarily helpless. 

     Alexander kissed again as though he was a man drowning, and Magnus had all the oxygen.  He then made a sound that must have been agreement, because he released the kiss and ducked down to begin peeling the silk away from Magnus’s belly.  At the sight of his exposed midriff, he bent down to plant a kiss at Magnus’s hip just above the seam of his leather pants.  Alexander began to mouth and nuzzle along his skin, following a trail upwards to his chest as they worked together to remove the offending garment.  When they managed to expose Magnus’s chest, however, Alexander seemed to lose interest in undressing him in favor of wrapping his lips around a tiny brown nipple, sucking tentatively at first until Magnus’s responding groan encouraged him.  Which left him with the unhappy job of trying to disrobe without disturbing the delectable pleasure of clever teeth and tongue working his sensitive flesh.

     “Uhngh, a little help?  Please?” he finally whined.

     Alexander startled, his wetted lips popping off the nub of his nipple as he glanced up.  “Right!  Sorry,” he said.

     He made quick work of releasing Magnus from his top, and then unceremoniously shed his own shirt.  The reveal of his bare torso would have been worthy of a much slower striptease.  The man was built like a fucking god.  Strong, broad chest with a lovely forest of hair that trailed down into a sculpted six- (or was it eight-?) pack.  A maze of tribal tattoos curving around long, lean muscle.  Aesthetic perfection.  Magnus had to blink a couple times to make sure he was not dreaming, before he realized that Alexander was reaching down, trying to unclasp the series of belts at his waist.  That was when the Adonis face crumbled into a scowl as he realized that this was a puzzle he had not prepared for, and Magnus laughed out loud.

     The long-lashed eyes looked up at him, once again looking like a cornered animal.  “I-I-I don’t know h-h-how to undo these,” he said, a slight panic in his voice.

     “I’m not surprised,” Magnus said with a chuckle, moving to his aid.  “Whoever designed these did not have urgent sex with beautiful men in mind.”

     As he took over the task of unleashing himself, Alexander sat back on his heels, suddenly uncertain of himself.  Magnus glanced at him, recognizing his hesitation, and smiled.

     “Why don’t you start getting your own pants off for me, and save us both some time?” he said, smiling up at him.  Alexander flashed a small smile and complied.  “I thought you said you’d never done this before.”

     The man paused in thought, and then nodded as though he understood.  “I’ve never been on a date before,” he said.  “But that doesn’t mean I don’t have any ideas about… y’know, this.”  He gestured to encompass Magnus and the bed.

     They were both down to their underwear, Magnus in black briefs, Alec in slate grey Jockey shorts that clung to his hips and did nothing to diminish the impressive bulge of his cock.  Magnus could not help himself, eyeing it openly with pure lust.  He bit his lip as he felt his own half-hardened member throb with desire.

     “What kind of ideas do you have?” Magnus asked.  “What would you like to do, Alexander?”

     The man blushed, again.  “I-I-I… I’d like… to eat your ass…?”

     That went straight to his loins, and Magnus had to catch his breath.  He blinked in surprise and his face broke into a grin.

     “Is that… Is that weird?” Alexander said, looking unsure of himself.

     “No!” Magnus said hastily.  “No, that sounds like a wonderful idea!”

     Moments later, Magnus was belly down on the motel bed, legs slightly spread, arms curled around a pillow.  Alexander slipped a hand into his briefs and squeezed one of his ass cheeks before running a sly finger over his hole.  Magnus could feel himself pucker up, and he glanced back to gauge the other’s reaction.  Alexander’s eyes were half-mast, staring at his ass with a bemused hunger.  His kiss-reddened lips were parted, and he licked them nervously.  Pursing them together, the man hooked a finger into the back of Magnus’s briefs and finally pulled them down, just far enough to expose his work area.

     Alexander’s hands folded over each ass cheek and pulled them apart.  Magnus shut his eyes as he felt hot breath against his skin, there and there and there.  Alexander nuzzled into his crack and inhaled the pungent scent of him.  When the hot tongue brushed against his rim, Magnus jumped.  It had been such a long time since he had had sex, with anyone, and even longer since someone had licked him in such a sensitive area.  Alexander dove in with a slow eagerness, both patient and insistent.  Magnus whimpered as the tip of his tongue breached his anus.  It was such a private incursion.  Encouraged by his sounds, Alexander deepened the strokes of his tongue, and the heat in Magnus’s skin began to rise unbearably.  He could feel his cock throbbing against the mattress, but he wanted to wait it out before he began rutting against anything.  This was too delectable to rush.

     Alexander began to work his asshole open with his tongue, pausing briefly to press soft kisses against his perineum.  Magnus nearly jumped out of skin when his tongue swiped against his balls, and he moaned.  Releasing a hot breath against Magnus’s skin, his lover paused to speak.  “D-d-do you… W-w-would you…”

     “Are you gonna fuck me, Alexander?” Magnus moaned, glancing over his shoulder.

     The man looked more drunk on the sex than he had when they left the bar.  “Would you like that?”

     “I would,” he said.  “But it’s been a long time.  You’re going to have to go slow.”

     “I can go slow,” Alexander said.  “I can get you good and ready.”

     “Mnph, can you?” Magnus said, grinning into his pillow.  “That sounds incredible.  But what if I want to suck your cock?”

      “…I don’t see why you can’t do that while I open you up,” Alexander said, and god help him, the words came out so dirty, but the man’s tone sounded as though he was actually considering the logistics of the offer.  Maybe the man _was_ an engineer.  Or a mathematician.

     “Well, why don’t you lie down, and we’ll see what we can manage,” Magnus said with a laugh.

     They ended up with Alexander on his back, head tucked into the pillows, with Magnus on his knees and half-way draped over his belly.  As Alexander searched for the lube where he had been told to find it—on the nightstand, of course—Magnus pulled down the Jockey shorts and groaned as he released the man’s member from its prison.  Fuck, he was big.  Slightly daunted, Magnus gulped at the thought of all that fitting inside of him.  Alexander’s cock was not fully hard yet, but it was well formed.  Magnus smiled and bowed his head, taking the tip into his mouth.  He heard Alexander hiss behind him and swear softly.

     A slicked finger brushed against Magnus’s hole, and he opened his mouth wide enough to moan around the bulk of Alexander’s cock.  He was met with an answering grunt.  There was too much to take into his mouth, so he wrapped a hand around the base for stability.  He began to slowly work the cock, alternately running his tongue around the corona and along the veins in the shaft, sucking down as much as he could manage.  Alexander was panting behind him, but he still managed to work a finger past the ring and into his ass.

     For a while, the only noises in the room were the wet sounds of sucking and suction as Magnus’s body welcomed its penetration, mixed with heavy breaths and soft, helpless sounds of wanting.  Magnus was pleased that he was able to handle a single finger pretty easily.  When Alexander pulled out for more lube, he whined, and then gave a hoarse, pleasured cry as two fingers pushed in.  The tips of the calloused fingers gently stroked against his silky insides, and Magnus had to pull off Alexander’s cock with a resounding ‘pop,’ because he was starting to pant like a bitch in heat.

     “Y-you… mmm… you’re pretty good ah—at this,” Magnus said.

     “Thanks,” Alexander said, breathless.

     “It’s… uhn… it’s… ah!”

     Alexander bent his fingers, worming them along his channel and he gasped.  There was another sound of lube released, and a third finger pushed inwards.  He could feel his body tighten and Alexander paused.

     “Easy,” he whispered, using his free hand to caress along Magnus’s lower back.  “Just breathe.”

     “Uhm… how… You said you didn’t know what… what you’re doing,” Magnus attempted protest, although he was not inclined to bring any of this to a halt.

     A hand cupped and squeezed his ass cheek, and began to rub into the muscles.  “I don’t,” Alexander said, sounding dazed.  “I just listen.”

     “You… listen?” Magnus panted, squeezing the base of his companion's cock.

     He was rewarded with a sharp intake of breath.

     “Y-yeah… S-sometimes all it takes is an ear t-to listen,” Alexander said, and goddamn if Magnus couldn’t hear the smug grin.

     “You’re very proud for someone with the—uhn—upper hand,” he grumbled.

     “No, just a hand inside you,” Alexander replied, moving his three fingers slowly to emphasize his point.

     Magnus bit back a cry as the digits began to massage and spread him further.  It was a sweet invasion, his insides bending and burning and begging for more.  He gasped and tears came to his eyes when his lover began to move in a steady pace, fucking him with fingers dug in to the knuckle.

     “A-Alexander,” he breathed.  “I need you.”

     Alexander sat up, extracting himself from Magnus, and trapping his face with his free hand.  Magnus was pulled into another kiss, and this time his head spun, and it had nothing to do with alcohol or air quality.  Shit.  He could get drunk on Alexander alone, and that was a frightening thought.

     “Come here, then,” Alexander said, motioning for him to be closer.

     Magnus looked at him then.  The man was easily as affected by the bedroom’s atmosphere as he, with his hazel eyes dilated black and his lips as red as bing cherries.  He watched every move that Magnus made with the kind of attention that was fluid; he would move as Magnus moved, and respond in kind.  He was a listener, a giver.  Magnus felt his heart skip a quick beat, and he sighed.  Fuck.

     He pushed Alexander back as he tried to move.  “It’s better this way,” he said, promptly straddling his giraffe man.  “At least to start.  For me.”

     Alexander nodded understanding, and reached hazily for the night stand.  “Condom,” he mumbled.

     “Right!” Magnus said, and he found the few he had set out, just in case the night had turned out… well… he had not expected it to be quite like this.  This was better than he had hoped.  He plucked up one of the condoms, hastily unwrapped it, and slipped it over the awaiting cock.  He looked at it again and sighed.  “Jesus, you’re big!”

     “Will you be okay?” Alexander asked, looking concerned.

     Magnus nodded, moving himself into position.  “We’re just going to have to start real slow,” he said.

     With that, he took hold of him, and the man gave a whimper.  He slowly positioned himself over the crown, rubbing it against his hole.  As he lowered himself down, the blunt tip pressed against his rim, and he realized that three fingers would never have been enough to loosen him in preparation for this.  He grabbed the lube, and liberally applied more to Alexander’s dick and, using his own fingers, into his passage.

     “Hold yourself steady,” Magnus said, grabbing his own ass cheeks when Alexander obliged.

     It was a lot to take.  There were several minutes of deep breathing.  Hisses.  Moans.  And finally he was seated, overwhelmed, ass to hips.

     Alexander was looking up at him with an odd expression.  Magnus could not read it, but whatever it meant, he had a feeling that he felt the same way.

     “Uhn… you’re… tight,” Alexander grunted.

     “Yeah,” Magnus breathed.  “You ready?”

     “Fuck, yes,” was the answer.

     Out of self-preservation, Magnus was true to himself and started a very slow ride.  Barely shifting his hips, and yet the minute movement was enough to send zaps of pleasure running up his spine, and he shuddered.  Alexander answered in a moan, stroking Magnus’s hips with gentle hands.  As he moved, Magnus felt himself opening further, accepting the invasion.  He gasped and brought himself down harder, whining with each thrust.  Alexander let that continue for several minutes, sucking air through his teeth and hanging on for dear life.  At some point, though, he sat up, surprising Magnus with a deep, sloppy kiss.

     “I want you on your back,” he said.  “Can we…?”

     Magnus gripped his shoulders and pulled until they were flipped, which jostled Alexander free and they both made sounds of protest.

     “Alexander, I swear to god, if you don’t get back in there and fuck me like it the last day of your life, I might lose my mind,” he managed to grit through his teeth.

     His lover positioned himself, slathered an extra handful of lube onto his dick, and then slammed into him, burying himself to the hilt.  Magnus cried out, and wrapped his arms around Alexander’s shoulders, his legs around his hips.  Alexander’s mouth closed around a succulent bit of flesh at the crook of his neck, and sucked hard.  His hips began to thrust into Magnus with a perfect snap and release, each plunge punctuated by Magnus’s increasingly emphatic cries.  The next few moments grew hazy.  Magnus had been fucked before, by different partners, male and the occasional female into pegging, but this… felt… different… At some point, he realized that there were tears in his eyes, and he was essentially howling.  He had his fingers dug deep into Alexander’s flesh.  Alexander was biting at his neck with wanton abandon, and his lascivious calls encouraged each impending bruise.  He had never felt so filled.  He had never felt so helpless, and so cared for at the same time.

     There were tears streaming down his face.

     “Don’t stop Alexander don’t stop don’t stop don’t Alexander don’t stop…” he babbled.

     He could feel Alexander beating himself into his prostate, over and over and over and over, and his eyes were wet.  He gasped.  He sobbed.  He said, “Harder!”  And sweet Alexander obliged, using him almost carelessly as his movements became frantic.

     “Markus, I’m gonna—uhn—soon… I’m… I can’t…”

     “You fucking come inside me Alexander,” Magnus snarled.  “You fucking come inside me.  Right the fuck now!”

     Alexander let out a deep and helpless groan as he pounded into him.

     “Fucking _now_ , Alexander, I’m… Fuck, I’m--!!”

     Magnus came with a full-throated shout, come splattering across his belly, onto Alexander’s chest.  He came without having even bothered to touch himself.  Alexander followed after him, choking off a bellow.  He came long and hard, his sides shuddering with each dying thrust.  He buried his face in Magnus’s throat, letting out a long groan.

     They lay locked together, panting, their hearts beating wildly against each other.  Magnus could feel that he was still crying.  Fuck.  As Alexander’s cock began to soften inside of him, he unconsciously let out a sob.  Alexander’s head flew up from where it had rested on Magnus’s chest.

     “Oh god! Are you alright?  Did I hurt you?!” he immediately began to fuss.

     “No, I’m fine, I—”

     “I-I-I’m so sorry!” Alexander stuttered, swiftly pulling out of Magnus, leaving Magnus feeling so, so empty.

     Magnus let out a deep groan.

     “I’m so sorry, are you hurt?” Alexander’s hands grabbed Magnus’s face.  His hazel eyes and monster eyebrows were a mask of concern.

     In answer, he placed a finger to the man’s lips, his own eyes fluttering as they tried to stay open.  “Alexander,” he said, “I am not hurt.  I am not in any pain… well, beyond the average expectation.  I’m just feeling a lot of things right now, but I promise you, they’re all good.”

     Alexander looked dubious, and he did not move an inch.

     Magnus rolled his eyes and groaned.  “Ungh, stand down!” he said.  “Relax.  Come lie with me.”  Surprisingly, that seemed to work.  His lover released him and, after a moment’s hesitation, shuffled down to lay his head on Magnus’s shoulder.  He was positioned in such a way that he was almost hiding his face against Magnus’s pectorals.  An arm snuck out to circle his stomach.  Dreamily, Magnus began to stroke a hand through Alexander’s silky-smooth hair.

     “So, did you just hustle me, Alexander?” he murmured.

     “What d’you mean?” came the muffled reply.

     “Well you gave me the distinct impression that you were inexperienced.  And that, my darling boy, was anything but virginal,” he said, adding a kiss to the top of Alexander’s head to ensure that he did not take the comment the wrong way.  He certainly was not complaining.

     “Well… you know when you listen to someone?” Alexander said slowly, his voice rumbling pleasantly against Magnus’s ribs.  “Like, you really listen.  To their breath, and their pulse… subverbal cues.  All the sounds.  And the way the muscles...  And the hair on their bodies… y’know…  And you know what they need?”

     Very curious.  Magnus was not sure where this was going.

     “Well, I’ve… I’ve always been a very… good listener,” Alexander said.  His voice was growing slightly faint, and Magnus thought he might be falling asleep.  “I’ve never really had sex with anyone—” and here Magnus’s eyes flew open, but Alexander did not seem to register his shock— “but it’s not like I haven’t read up on it.  Not jus’ porn, but other stuff… Advice… guides… An’ I listen.  You make good sounds.  An’ I always wanted to try eating out someone’s ass.  It sounded so dirty, but like… hot?”

     “It was both those things, in the best way possible,” Magnus agreed.

     Alexander hummed an affirmation.  “So hot… I liked it,” he mumbled, his voice trailing off.  He roused briefly, looking up at Magnus with a sleepy, earnest expression.  “Did you like it?”  His speech was so sleep-slurred that it sounded more      Magnus smiled down at him as he continued to pet his hair.  “I did,” he said softly.

     He felt the head at his shoulder grow heavy, and Alexander sighed, “Me too,” before his breathing evened out.  Magnus sighed, deeply sated and feeling the somnambulant tug of sleep himself.  Before it took him, he could feel his heart give a little twist.

     One night in town might not have been enough time, after all.


	3. We Nominated You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three siblings walk into a bar...

     Alec checked over his last incident report one final time.  Details were important.  Details made the difference between a conviction and a predator walking free. Satisfied that he had not missed anything, he signed his name, and set down his pen, leaning back in his chair. At the adjacent desk, Jace was eyeing him impatiently.  He had spent the last half hour fidgeting, which meant he had finished his own reports, probably with the bare minimum of factual recounting, and had been agonizing over whatever crucial news he had been sitting on for the last two days. It was clear he wanted to talk to Alec. He had had his head bitten off enough times by a surly Lightwood for breaking his concentration, though, that he knew better than to interrupt the work flow until Alec gave him the verbal okay. It did not stop him from nearly vibrating with wild energy.  It crackled around him, and it was giving Alec a headache.

     Sighing, Alec looked him square in the eyes. “Alright, what is it?”

     Jace jumped up, nearly exploding with excitement and relief.  “C’mon,” he said, “I need to tell you over a pint!”

     Alec rolled his eyes.  It was going to be a long one, then.  “Jace…” he said, weariness in his voice.

     “Oh come on!  I’ve been waiting forever; we were off duty two hours ago!” Jace all but whined.

     He prowled around the desk like an irascible feline.  Alec could tell that there would be no chance of convincing him to box up that energy again unless he had either said his piece or crushed a brutal set in the precinct’s gym.  At his protest, Alec glanced at the wall clock and blinked in surprise.  It was after eight o’ clock.

     He drew his mouth into a flat line and nodded his acquiescence.  It had been a long day.  They could both use a beer.  “Let me grab my jacket,” he said, making his way to the locker room.  He removed his uniform and duty belt, storing them away in his locker.  Jace had already stripped down to full civilian clothes.  Alec threw on his own black pants and button-down denim shirt. Jace’s odd-eyed gaze followed him with the focus of a cat on a laser point.  Alec glanced at him, recognizing his palpable impatience and very… slowly… reached for… his black leather jacket…

     “You are doing this on purpose!” Jace snapped.

     Alec favored him with a good-humored smirk, and finally donned his jacket.  “I wouldn’t if it wasn’t so easy,” he said.

     “Jesus, c’mon, let’s go already,” he griped, and nearly dragged his partner out of the precinct.

     “Officers Herondale and Lightwood, off-duty,” Alec called to the desk officer.

     “They already know, man,” Jace grumbled.

     They made their way to the local cop bar, Hunter’s Moon.  Alec shivered slightly as the wind whipped around them.  It was a chilly night for June, but the fresh air helped to clear his head of the day’s minutiae.  It was Thursday, and he and Jace were moving into their five-day break.  No court hearings were scheduled for the Friday, so he was essentially looking at a guaranteed three days of respite over an actual weekend.  The fourth and fifth days were never a sure bet on having time off.

     As they entered, Maia, the bar’s owner, looked up and nodded to them.  Jace bellied up to the bar and slapped his hands down.  “Shots!” he said loudly.

     “Jace, it’s a Thursday night.  We’re not doing shots,” Alec grumbled.

     “Oh yes we are!  Maia, two shots of bourbon, and then whatever’s good on tap,” he called. He was not taking ‘no’ for an answer from Alec, apparently.

     “We should at least have dinner first,” Alec said, leaning against the bar next to him.

     Jace leveled a firm glare at him, and he realized that he was not going to win this one.  “Alec, you need to lighten up,” he said.  His expression was dead serious.  “I know you’ve been pining for months after that—” he glanced around to make sure no one was listening—“that hot guy you hooked up with, but dude, it’s been months, and you didn’t get his name, and you were in another town and so was he, and yeah, I get that the night was a good one, but you’re gonna have to let this one go.  Okay? The odds of seeing him again are slim to none,” he said, his voice earnest and not without compassion.  Alec froze, staring at him in surprise.  “We put away a bad guy today.  Okay?  We put away several bad guys.  We have a whole weekend ahead of us.  And,” he said, taking up his shot glass, “you are getting considered for promotion to Sergeant.”

     Alec blinked in surprise.  “W-w-where did you h-hear that?”

     “I got it from Hodge, man,” Jace said.

     Alec had put in his application several months ago, but the position had not been opened yet.  This week, Hodge had announced that he was being promoted to Lieutenant.

     “Oh my god,” he breathed.

     Jace raised his glass and stood waiting until Alec picked up his own.

     “So, I am not going to tell you congratulations,” Jace said, “because I know how you feel about counting your eggs before they hatch, but… I wanna take this shot for luck.”

     Alec was touched at the gesture.  “For luck,” he agreed, and slung back the oily bite of bourbon, wincing as it burned his throat.

     “My boys!” a voice crowed over the crowd, and they both looked up to see Izzy sauntering up to them.  His sister’s clever black eyes immediately darted to Jace. “Did you tell him?  And did you just do a shot without me?  Hey Maia, another round!”

     He could immediately feel himself beginning to sweat.  Going out with Izzy and Jace before a fiver was always a bad idea.  The two of them fed each other’s hedonism, and for some reason they thought it was more fun to get themselves into trouble if they dragged him along.

     “No, guys, we d-don’t need more—” he tried to protest, and then another glass was pressed into his hand.  His sister looked up at him with that enticing amusement that he had never been able to refuse, and he obliged them by joining in a second toast.  The second shot always went down easier than the first.

     They slowed down a little, finding a table for themselves, and indulging him by ordering a plate of nachos and a basket of fries.  Regardless, Alec lost track of how many shots he had as the night progressed.  He was never a big drinker; two beers were usually enough, and even then, that was only occasionally.  He preferred sobriety.  It helped him think.

     By the time Izzy cornered him with whatever it was that had her so excited, he had moved well past his precious mental faculties, and he was wide open to suggestion.  He had sensed there was something on her mind beyond the Sergeant’s position.  She had been chatting and bouncing around in her seat like a kid at Christmas. Something was up.  Jace had been nattering on about ways to incapacitate someone using only their pinky, when Alec finally silenced him.

     “Alright Izzy,” Alec said, certain that his voice was slurring.  He set down the beer he had been nursing.  “Jace, I’mma let you finish, but Izzy-Bizzy-Bee’s got somethin’ on her mind.”

     Somehow, he missed the shared glance between his siblings. 

     As Izzy leaned forward excitedly, he took in the sight of her.  She was so beautiful, fine featured and doe-eyed with her long raven hair.  He could remember when his parents had brought her home as a baby, how she had squinted up at him with her squishy cheeks and eyes that were already sharply focused.  He had loved her immediately.  Her fire had fed him through their youth, and although she had always followed him around for his protection and company, he had equally relied on her eager schemes and ideas to break him out of his failing fight for a sense of control.  She had known about his proclivities before he did, and she had loved him unconditionally. For that alone, he was helpless to deny her anything.

     “Well, you know how your application is being considered for Sergeant?” she said.

     “Yeah?”

     “And you know how you’re all By The Book, and strict and—”

     “—Like, no fun, ever,” Jace added.

     “Hey!” Alec said.

     “It’s true,” Izzy said.  “Anyways, and you have, like, no life whatsoever, and you’ve been even more closed off since I sent you out with that dating app—”

     “—What does this have to do with the dating app?” Alec snapped.

     “Alec, honey, you weren’t supposed to go and fall in love with the first guy you met,” she said, sighing.  “And I gather that you had a good time, and all, but… You were repressed before.  Okay? But now… now you’re so closed off. We can tell you’re sad.”  Here she indicated Jace.

     “Yeah man,” Jace said.  “You’ve been miserable.”

     “And you’re not taking care of yourself,” Izzy said.

     Alec sat up straighter (as straight as he was going to get), feeling as though he should be fending off an attack.  He realized that they were seated in a corner, with both of them flanking him, effectively trapping him in this conversation. “What are you talking about?  I-I eat healthy, I g-go to the g-gym all the time. I-I-I manage a h-high s-stress job—“

     “And you stutter,” Izzy said flatly.  “And yeah, you do all those things.”

     “But you do _only_   those things,” Jace said, looking into his beer as though it would absolve him for cornering his brother and having a go at him.

     Alec looked at the both of them, feeling both moved at their care, and furious at their presumption to pry into his affairs. Or… his lack thereof.  He was drunk enough that he could not risk standing up and storming away from the table with anything resembling dignity, but he was also not sure he could hide his emotions from them.

     It was true.  He was not supposed to have fallen in love with his first date.  But that man… He had called himself ‘Markus,’ which was clearly a false name.  Whomever he was, that man had been the most intensely charismatic and _giving_   person that he had ever met.  Their night had been so intense.  It had affirmed everything Alec had suspected of himself, and it had made him feel comfortable in his own skin for the first time in his life.  And yeah, maybe he had impressed on that man like a duckling… And, really, what did he actually know about the guy, anyways?  Aside from the fact that he liked eyeliner, shiny things, and that he smelled like sandalwood and spices?  Nothing.  And he would never see him again.  He was trying to make his peace with that.  He was trying.

     “You need to loosen up,” Jace said.  “If you want this promotion to Sergeant, man…”

     Izzy placed a hand on Alec’s arm.  “If you want this promotion,” she finished, “you’re going to need to do the oral board review.  You need to show them that you’re ready for a more public role.  You need to show that you are capable of setting an example for the entire force.”

     Alec could not move.  Could not look at them.  He had enough alcohol in his system that he could not think of a way to argue and refute anything that they were saying.

     “I-I-I’m n-not af-fraid of the o-oral board review,” he said, swallowing hard when he realized that that was a lie.

     “Alec,” Izzy said, “I know you want that to be true.”

     He scowled at her.

     “Look,” she continued, “Jace and I had an idea—”

     “—It was really Izzy’s idea—”

     “—Hush!  We had an idea, and we really need you to consider it,” she said.

     Finally, they were coming to the point of this whole ambush.  He sighed heavily, picking up his second (third?) beer.  “What do you want?”

     “There’s a team coming to town, and they specialize in taking hard cases, like yours, and helping them to grow in confidence and realize their potential,” she said, choosing her words carefully.

     That did not sound good.  “Uh-huh…”

     “Have you ever heard of ‘Inside & OUT?’” she asked.

     “Should I?” he said.

     “It’s a TV show,” she said, and that spark came back to her eye that said she had the best idea ever and he was going to love it whether he wanted to or not.

     “I don’t watch TV, you know that,” he said sourly.

     “Well, have you heard of Magnus Bane?” she asked.

     He frowned and thought carefully.  “No, the name doesn’t ring any bells.”  He took a deep pull from his pint, wincing at the taste.

     “You haven’t heard of Magnus Bane?!” she nearly shouted, incredulous.

     Alec looked at her askance.  Why was she so shocked?  “Should I have?”

     “He’s a big deal!  He’s amazing!  He’s a queer icon!  He’s fabulous; he’ll tell you so!” she said, becoming even more animated.

     “Dude, even I know who he is, and I watch as much TV as you do,” Jace said, scoffing.

     “Alec, we love him,” Izzy said firmly, fixing him with a stare that said that he was included in that assumption.

     He could not stay angry when his darling siblings were looking at him with such unbridled hope and joy.  “Okay,” he said carefully.  “Fine.  Yes. We love Magnus Bane.”  He sighed and took another swallow from his glass.

     “Good, because we nominated you for his show,” Izzy said.

     Jace did not have time to duck before Alec spat out his drink and began alternately choking and coughing.

     “Y-you what?!”

     The next hour was spent with them cajoling, begging, and, in the end, bullying him.  But as he had always known, he was helpless to deny them what they asked. Sometime after six shots and midnight, they got him to sign the waiver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about stuttering. The frankness and negativity of Izzy's remark is her way of calling attention to an underlying problem, and the reasons why they think this whole crazy plan is necessary. I would not condone such a rude interjection under normal circumstances.


	4. We Are Rolling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and his crew go to meet their new client!

     “Are we rolling?” Magnus asked, and Simon leaned in from the back seat to double-check the dash cam with dexterous fingers.

     “Aaaahhh, yeah.  Yeah, that’s a go.  We’re rolling,” Simon answered, settling down in the back seat.

     Magnus had made the (some would argue ‘odd’) choice to keep Simon’s presence active in the show.  Most productions tried to keep their camera operators silent and anonymous so as not to overshadow the hired talent, but Magnus found Simon’s humor and running commentary entertaining and on-point.  And it seemed like their fans were in agreement.  There was a whole fan club strongly invested in his well-being.

     “Alright, let’s get started,” Magnus said.  He was driving the team’s SUV down the freeway, heading towards their next client.  Clary was in the front passenger seat, her feet up on the dash, angled away from the camera.  “Mark it!”

     Everyone in the car raised their hands to give a fierce snap.  They didn’t have a clapperboard, so they made do.  He would rather they spend the budget on the client experience, anyways.

     Magnus donned his television persona smoothly. It was really just a pared down version of himself, times ten, with an extra dash of positivity.  Magnus fucking Bane of TV’s ‘Inside & OUT’ was always in a great mood.

     “So, kids, where are we heading today?” he asked, projecting his voice.  They were all miked, but it was important to speak clearly.

     Clary, knowing her part, had the dossier ready in her lap.  She looked up at him, smiling brightly.  “Actually, we are heading to my hometown!” she said.

     “No way!” he said, checking his mirrors as he moved to the slow lane so they wouldn’t be rushed.

     “Yeah!  We’re known for our Summer Jazz Festival, our inner-city light rail, and not one but _two_  award-winning breweries,” she said.

     There were positive sounds of enthusiasm within the vehicle’s cab.

     “And,” she said, opening the file, “it is also home to one, Alec Lightwood.”  She took a glance at the profile’s photo.  “Ooo, he’s pretty!” she commented.  “You wanna take a peek or do you want to do this cold?”

     “Sight unseen, my darling,” Magnus said with a flamboyant gesture.  “I’m going in without any preconceptions.”

     “Oh, bold move,” she said, biting her lip. How hot was he, exactly?  She was not usually one to comment on appearances.

     “Tell me all about him, biscuit,” he said.

     “Well,  _Officer_  Lightwood—” everyone made appreciative noises—“is twenty-five, and a six-year veteran on the local police force.”

     “Six years?  He must have started right out of high school,” Simon interjected from his position behind Clary.

     “That is exactly right,” she replied.  “He has been nominated by his sister, Isabelle, and his adopted brother, Jace Herondale—who is also his partner.”

     “And when you say partner…” Magnus fed the unasked question.

     “I mean his partner on the police force,” she laughed.  “Nothing weird!  Anyways, Alec has devoted his life to a career in service to others, and he is now ready to take the next step.”

     Everyone alerted and moved in with their synchronized ‘tell me more’ gesture.

     “He is being considered for a promotion to Sergeant,” she announced.  Everyone animated their excitement at the news.  “But,” Clary cut over them, “according to his siblings, he is struggling to embrace life outside of work, never taking time for himself, and he almost never takes time to relax and get to know his peers.  They are worried that if he doesn’t open up, he will miss out on his chance to move up in his career.”

     The team winced and worried tragically.

     “Sounds like he’s a workaholic,” Raphael commented.

     Raphael was their image consultant.  His TV persona, very similarly to his actual personality, was surly and demanding; a perfect foil to Magnus’s fierce and fabulous persona.  Clary, in turn, was their self-care expert.  She also had her own YouTube yoga channel, and, although everyone loved her bright and bubbly nature, she really shone when she helped others discover the best ways to connect to their inner peace.  She was a licensed massage therapist, a reiki healer, and a wicked kick-boxer.

     “That’s actually pretty common on the police force,” Clary said, glancing back.  “They tend to work insane hours, and, even when they’re off duty, they’re never really off, y’know?”

     Magnus waited a beat, in case they needed to cut this later.  “Sounds like you have some experience with this,” he said.

     “My dad’s a deputy chief.  He was the lead detective for, like, twenty years, though,” she said, staring out the window.

     “So, any chance he’s met our Alec Lightwood?” he asked.

     “It’s possible, but from the looks of it…” here she double-checked the file, “I think Alec might be based out of the East Precinct. My dad’s in the South Precinct, so their paths may not have crossed.”

     Magnus nodded.  “So, what else do you have on Officer Lightwood?”

     “Isabelle says that he is actually a gay man, but he’s not out at work,” she said.

     The entire car erupted in reactions varying from Raphael’s pondering squint to Simon’s frat-boy cat call.

     “She says that he wants to come out of the closet, but that he doesn’t know how.  Apparently, he was brave enough to come out to his parents when he was seventeen, but they rejected him, and they haven’t spoken to him in over five years,” she said.  Magnus could hear the genuine anguish in her voice, which mirrored his own.  A parent’s rejection of their child was… Well, Magnus did not want to dwell on that.  Some things were too private to share with even his closest friends. “And that experience left him with a deep-seated fear of letting himself be seen for—” here she read a quote “—‘the truly kind and wonderful person he is.’  Awwww!”

     Everyone made a show of gushing over how sweet a sentiment it was, that a sister would say something nice about her brother.

     “Well, sounds like Alec could use our help!” Magnus said.  “We’re gonna find him, take him into our loving embrace, and loosen him up.  We are gonna build up that confidence to stand proud and get that promotion!”

     The team filled the cabin with cheers.

     “And most importantly,” he said, “we will help him to love himself…”

     “…Inside and _Out_!” they all cried together.

     More cheers.  Magnus checked the map on his phone.  Thirty minutes before they rolled into town.  It was only ten, and they weren’t scheduled to arrive before noon.

     “What d’you think?” he asked Simon, over his shoulder.  “Do we have time for one more take?”

 

* * *

 

     The SUV pulled up in front of a small, single-story house at the end of a quiet cul-de-sac.  A gravel right-of-way cut between their destination and the neighboring house to the left, leading down into a wooded area.  The neighborhood itself did not look rundown so much as it looked like everyone occupying the space had a lot more to worry about than keeping their lawns trimmed.  The house was unremarkable at first glance, and Magnus had Clary check the address again, just to be sure.  When she confirmed their location, Magnus parked against the curb and turned to Simon.

     “Since Catarina’s not going to be coming in until tomorrow, just focus on capturing the action as it happens.  We can reshoot the approach and get all our second unit shots on Sunday,” he said.  “Clary will be second camera for now with her phone.  Interviews are scheduled out for Monday and Tuesday.”

     “Gotcha,” Simon says.  “So, I’ll just try to keep up with the reactions and raw footage.”

     They all began unbuckling themselves.

     “You got all the juice you need?” Magnus asked as he opened his door.

     “Full battery!  Travel charger on the belt,” Simon confirmed.

     As they emerged from their vehicles, Raphael and Clary pausing for some quick notes, Magnus called out to Simon, “Keep the focus on me or the Lightwoods for now.  Stay close.”

     “Yep,” Simon said.

     Magnus turned to Clary.  “Makeup’s good?”

     She laughed and nodded.  Magnus was wearing a loud-patterned fitted shirt with a cascade of necklaces, and a contrasting pair of solid black pants.  He had kept his rings minimal, since he was not sure what he was going to need to do with his hands today.

     “The hair?” he asked.

     “The amount of hairspray you used this morning, it’s not going anywhere,” she said.

     “Are we rolling?” he asked, looking to Simon.

     “We are rolling,” Simon affirmed.

     “So, this is Alec’s home which he shares with his siblings,” he said, cognizant of his mic, glancing over his shoulder. Clary nodded.

     “Cute house,” Raphael said, mostly so he would have an aside.  The fans loved him for his terse and grumpy ways, but there was some demand that he interact with the fun parts of the show a little more.  He was trying.

     “Let’s see if anybody’s home,” Magnus said. 

 

* * *

 

     They were greeted by a very small, very excited woman with stark black hair and eyes to match.  She grinned from ear to ear at the sight of him and squealed.

     “Oh my god!  I had no idea what time you were coming!” she said, throwing herself into Magnus’s open arms.  He knew instinctively that people this overjoyed to meet him usually craved contact, and he was happy to receive it.  “I’m Isabelle!  So excited to finally meet you!”

     “We just got into town,” Magnus said, by way of apology.  “And we just couldn’t wait!  Where is our dear Alec?”

     At her welcoming gestures, Magnus and his crew invaded the small house.  A burly blond man with sectoral heterochromia in one eye was standing up from the couch, a similar grin to Isabelle’s painted on his face.

     “Is this--?” Magnus started.

     “—No, I’m Jace,” the man said, offering a hand shake. “You just missed him, actually.”

     “Wha—Really?!” Magnus startled.

     “I’m so sorry, we didn’t know what time you were coming, and he just left to go for a run.  But he’ll be back in, like, maybe a half hour or so?” Isabelle said, nearly falling over herself with apology.

     “No worries, my dear!” he reassured her.  “We can film some preliminaries and we can have a talk about what we’re looking at here, from your perspective.”

     Jace put a soothing arm around Isabelle’s shoulders. “I have no idea what half of that meant, but it sounds good.  Can I get you guys some coffee?”  He was trying to look at Magnus while he spoke, but his eyes seemed to be drawn irresistibly towards a certain redhead in the group.  That was not uncommon.  Clary had a tendency to turn heads with her sweet face and dewy amber eyes. Magnus turned to smirk at Clary over his shoulder and… found her caught off guard a little.  She was blushing slightly.  Well well well.

     “Coffee would be lovely,” Magnus said.  “Clary, would you be a dear and help him?  You know how I like it.”  A few bars from a ‘Fiddler on the Roof’ standard floated through his head as he turned to Isabelle.  “Is there a good place to sit and chat?”

     They set up on a worn leather couch in the living room.  The area was furnished with side tables to either side of the sofa, a long coffee table half buried in books, and several potted plants.  A large stained-glass art piece hung on the wall facing the couch. No television.  Very interesting.

     Magnus threw a look to Simon.  The kid was still filming.  He made himself comfortable on the couch, arranging himself aesthetically so he would look good from just about any angle.  “So, Isabelle, we _are_  filming.  Just keep your focus on me, and don’t look in the camera.  You and I are just going to have a real conversation, okay?” he said.

     “What if I look terrible?” she said, momentarily shy.

     “Oh, my dear, that seems to be impossible,” he said.

     She laughed, though she still stared at him like he was some rare, wild creature.  Which he was, of course.

     “So, Isabelle, you nominated your brother for our precious ministrations,” he said.  He was using his interview voice; gentle, giving, but totally controlled. “I know the short short version. He’s an officer of the law, he’s a workaholic, and he’s also not out to everyone.  How about you fill me in a little more about what has you concerned? How can we help your brother?”

     “It’s just…” she paused to think.  “I don’t know if he has ever really stopped and tried to think about what might make him happy.  Like, even when he was a kid, he was always focused on protecting me and looking out for Jace, and doing anything and everything that Mom and Dad asked of him.  They wanted him to be a football star, so he was on the football team.  They wanted him to be a basketball star, so he was a basketball star.  They wanted him to go to Harvard Law and… well, he got accepted, but he didn’t end up going,” she said, looking a little sad.  “That was around the time that he came out to them.  It was really bad.  Anyways, I think maybe as a way of rebelling against them, he went into the Police Academy instead.  But even then, he still is focused on other people, all the time.  I can tell he’s miserable, like all the time, but he…. He doesn’t think he deserves to feel any better than he does.”

     That hurt Magnus’s heart more than he allowed his face to show, but he understood the sentiment well.  He nodded his understanding as Jace entered the room, carrying two coffees.  Magnus motioned for him to join them.

     “So, does he put others first as a way of proving his value to himself?”  At her hesitation, he clarified, “Not that he doesn’t intrinsically have value, but some people in positions as caretakers or in some kind of service to others feel worthless if they aren’t actively helping people.”

     “Oh, yeah, that is totally my brother,” she sighed, clearly frustrated.  “It’s endearing that he cares so much, but it’s also really annoying.  Like, I know he’s awesome!  But it’s so exhausting trying to convince him of it.  Not that I’ll ever stop trying, but… It’s just hard, you know?”

     Magnus nodded.  He understood her frustration.  Fortunately, he had plenty of experience, at this point, through the show of re-educating his clients and teaching them to see their own value.  He turned to the blond brother.  “And Jace, you’re his brother, _and_  his partner?” Magnus asked for clarification.  “That’s not common, is it?”

     “To have siblings as partners?  No, actually,” Jace said, self-consciously. “We had to get special dispensation. It helps that I have a different surname, so there weren’t that many questions after we did our first round of paperwork.”

     “You must spend a lot of time with him,” he said, and Jace gave a rueful laugh of agreement.  “Do you agree with Isabelle that he’s unhappy?”

     “Oh my god, he’s miserable!  It’s like he only remembers how to laugh because someone told him to.  I’m seriously worried about him,” the blond replied.

     “And are there any other people in his life who know him well?  Who might share your concerns?” Magnus asked.

     Isabelle and Jace looked at each other questioningly, as though trying to figure out if one knew something the other did not.

     “I don’t think he really knows or hangs out with anyone but us,” Isabelle said slowly.  “He’s kind of a loner.”

     Jace said, “Yeah, I mean he knows and talks to the officers at work, but it’s all for work stuff.  People start talking about plans for their days off, and he’s like smoke in the shadows, man.”

     “That seems like a very small friend group,” Magnus mused, looking to Raphael, who nodded.  “And it leaves a lot of the burden of care on the two of you.  And so, there’s no love interest?  No one else vested in his happiness?”

     “Nah,” Jace said.  “I think there was, like, a one-night-stand once, but that’s it, as far as I know.  I think it was good, but he’s been kinda stuck on that guy ever since.  The one that got away.”

     Isabelle nodded.  “Yeah, he’s not really going out looking for love or companionship.  Which is so annoying!  I think our parents’ rejection just left him thinking that anyone else who knows will automatically follow suit.  Which, by the way, is totally not true; I spend a lot of time at that office, and literally no one cares!”

     Magnus perked up.  “Oh, and what do you do there?”

     “I’m a CSI.  I went to the Police Academy with Jace and Alec, and now I just finished my Master’s in forensic sciences, focusing on crime scene investigation and chemistry.  I’ll do this for a while before I move on for my doctorate,” she said.

     Clary perked up.  “That’s really impressive!” she said.

     “Thanks!  It’s a job that I am very good at,” Isabelle said humbly.  “I enjoy solving a puzzle.”

     Magnus smiled, and then checked his watch. “Well, we may have some time yet before our elusive Lightwood returns.  Would it be rude to ask for a tour of the house?” he said.

     Jace jumped to his feet.  “No, not at all!” he said.

     They were shown a small kitchen that seemed to function as a smoothie shop and gas station snack rack.  ‘None of us really know how to cook, and none of us really have time, so we just order in.  Alec makes all his weird protein shakes over there.’  There was a small space that was probably originally intended to be a dining area, but it was stocked with a free-standing punching bag, dumb bells, and gym mats.  There was a sliding glass door that opened out to a patio and a fenced yard that sloped down into the forested area by the right-of-way.  There was an archery stand set up at the far end of the yard.  ‘Alec is a really good archer; he could have gone to the Olympics, but that was at the same time as the gay debacle.’  A hall extended down from the not-quite-a-dining-room.  The only evidence of Alec in the bathroom was a set of neatly folded iron grey towels, and the nicest razor in the trio (Isabelle’s was in the shower).  Isabelle and Jace opted to keep their rooms private. At the end of the hall, they allowed the team entrance to Alec’s personal space.

     His bedroom was spartan, at best.  There was nothing on the walls, no photos, no prints, no posters.  The bed was fitted with dark grey sheets and a navy blue duvet.  There was a generic chest of drawers that was clearly an IKEA standard.  There was a closet, but inside they found an extra police uniform, and various weather gear. No personality.  No love.  No indication of his interests.  It hurt Magnus’s heart to see a space so clearly well cared for—it was neat, clean, orderly—but with so little joy.

     “Would you mind giving me a moment alone, just to contemplate the space?” he asked, looking to his hosts for permission.  “It might help me get some ideas.”

     They acquiesced, and everyone shuffled out of the room, even Simon, after Magnus gave him the ‘keep it rolling’ motion and ushered him out.  Alone at last, Mr. Lightwood.  Magnus stood at the center of the room.  There was a slight rumple in the surface of the duvet.  Was he in a hurry this morning?  Did he allow it to be imperfect because he thought no one would be coming in here to see it?  Magnus guessed that was the case.  He walked to the drawers and opened them curiously.  Black.  Dark blue. Dark grey.  One white undershirt.  There was no color in his wardrobe.  Everything was nondescript.  Hiding.  Closed off. Wary.  He took another look in the closet.  There was a shelf above the uniforms, and it was stacked with textbooks. Law.  Ethics.  Criminology. As he peered closer, his eyes caught a glint of light at the bottom of the closet.  He leaned in and saw a box stacked full of trophies.  He could not make out what they were for, but they were all covered in a thick layer of dust.  So, Alec was smart, furthering his education on his own, and he was accomplished, but he hid away his trophies like they were garbage.  Like _he_  was… garbage.

     Magnus could feel tears spring to his eyes.  He knew well what it could feel like to be abandoned by the ones who should have loved him unconditionally.  It had been a long, dark road out of that personal hell, trying to build up his self-esteem, his love, his trust.  It was so painful to see that someone was going through something so similar.  He had compassion for anyone who felt this way.  This was one of the reasons that he cared deeply about his show.  While it was broadcast purely for entertainment, what it truly was was the chance to help people in these situations, offer them encouragement, support, and lead them into the light.

     If Alec was anything like Magnus, though, it would be a tough case.

     Outside the room, he heard everyone beginning to talk excitedly, and the front door reverberated.  Alec had returned from his run at last.  Not wanting to be caught invading such a personal space, Magnus hastily exited, quietly shutting the door behind himself, and padding his way down the hall.

     “Don’t mind me,” Simon was saying as everyone talked over each other, “I’m just filming, I’m not even here.”

     Isabelle was scolding him.  “Why were you gone so long?!  You said it was just a quick run!”

     “Dude, where have you been?!” Jace was saying. “Magnus freakin’ Bane is here!  We told you he was coming—”

     Magnus rounded the corner into the living room, ready to call off the hounds.  An introvert would not like to be ambushed by a mob of strangers all talking at once. He took in the scene, seeing a man cornered and surrounded by both siblings and the crew in the entryway.

     “Hey!  Hey, give him some room!” Magnus started to say.

     And then a set of panicked hazel eyes with intimidating eyebrows snapped up and met his across the room.  It felt like someone must have punched him in the gut, because he lost all breath in that moment.

     “Alexander?” he managed to whisper.

     Alexander, or Alec Lightwood, stood frozen for a moment, shocked by the sight of him.

     And then he turned, wrenched open the door, and ran.

 


	5. Not Like This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people don't really like surprises...

     He could hear Jace swear a blue streak behind him. He knew his brother, and therefore he knew he was being pursued, but he could not process anything else.  There had been so many faces.  There had been a camera.  There had been Magnus Bane.  …Oh god, it was Magnus Bane…

     Alec’s legs carried him into the forest, down the worn path.  He only made it about a quarter mile before he pulled up short, muscles screaming. There was no air.  The air was gone.  His head spun.  It wasn’t attached.  It was broken, it was going to fall off, it was going to tumble away into the weeds, he was going to die, and no one would ever find his skull.  He couldn’t breathe.  He skirted away from the path, behind one of the geologically anomalous boulders that peppered the landscape, dropping to a crouch.  His heart hammered painfully against his chest.  His lungs weren’t working.

     It was barely moments before Jace rounded the stone, hot on his heels and face a mask of concern.  While Alec could always easily outpace him, he had just completed a 10k and his sprint had eaten whatever stored energy he had left.  And his partner had a sixth sense when it came to his destinations.  He always managed to find him at the times when Alec needed him the most, whether he wanted him to or not.

     Seeing that he was stopped, Jace ground to a halt, throwing up his hands.  He took in the sight of Alec, huddled and heaving, because there was no air, why was there no air, where had it gone, how could the oxygen be so selectively depleted. Jace knelt down in front of him, not touching, but Alec could fell the press of his energy on him.

     “Hey,” Jace said quietly.  “You gotta slow down.  Just breathe.”

     How could he breathe if the air was gone?

     “Slow,” Jace was saying.  “Easy… easy.  Just in and out, man.  In…” and here he inhaled deeply, “and out…” he exhaled, like it was something so simple to do.

     “Y-y-y-yo-ou c-c-can’t… F-f-f-fuck!”

     “Just do it easy, nice and slow, man.  It’s okay here.  We’re okay here.”

     Alec thought he heard footsteps approaching and he flinched.  He could sense Jace making some motion, but when he looked up, there was only Jace, looking at him with his mixture of love and the desire to fight anything that hurt him.

     “I-I c-c-can’t,” Alec wheezed.  “I c-ca-an’t… It-it-it was… It-it’s-s h-him.  It’s him!”

     “It’s him,” Jace repeated vaguely.  “Magnus Bane?”

     Alec nodded, trying his best to find the breath that had left him.

     “Magnus Bane is… him?” Jace was not getting it.

     “H-h-him… th-the… f-from…”

     Jace’s eyes went wide the moment he understood. “That’s the guy?  That you… you and he…”

     Alec nodded again, swallowing, choking, groaning. His stomach clenched.  His body was shaking.  “Yeah,” he managed to say, nearly a yelp.

     “Ooohh,” Jace said, looking off somewhere, clearly worried.  “Okay. Well… isn’t that kind of a good thing? I mean, you said you had a good time, right?  No one hurt you, right?  You said you were safe.”

     “Yeah, that’s not the problem!” Alec shouted, feeling his lungs spasm as they finally realized that they’d had the capacity to breathe this whole time.  They were pulling in air, and he had to fight himself to keep from hyperventilating.

     Jace put up his hand calmly.  “Hey, I just needed clarification.  That’s all.”

     “S-sorry,” he said.  He stared at the soil under his shoes.  How could everything seem so solid, when it felt like he was going to dissolve into vapor?  Any second his molecules were going to vibrate free of themselves, and he was going to disappear, for good this time.

     “It’s okay,” Jace said, soothing.  “So, if it was a good night, like you said, and you’ve been pining after him for months… I mean, he’s here right now.  He’s in our home, here to help you.  That’s not such a bad thing!  How about you come inside and maybe talk to him?” Jace looked apprehensive. 

     “I-I-I c-ca-can’t ju-ust tah-talk to h-hi-him,” Alec fought to say.

     There was a small sound of someone clearing their throat.  Jace glanced away.  “Okay, Alec, give me a minute.  Okay? I want you to stay right here. Will you do that for me?” he said.

     Alec nodded vehemently, and returned focus to the forest floor.  He was shivering, though it was not cold.

     “This is so stupid,” he muttered to himself. “This is so stupid, so stupid, so stupid, ssso…”  He winced and swallowed.  He could hear the murmur of voices behind him.  Fantastic.  There was an audience for this.  Of course there was; Izzy had made him sign the waiver.  There _should_   be an audience for this.  The complete breakdown and humiliation of Alec Lightwood: Basket Case.  So entertaining.  “So fucking stupid, so stupid, so stupid.”

     Jace returned.  “Alec, someone wants to talk to you.  I think his intentions are good, and you know I wouldn’t allow him near you if I thought otherwise, yeah?”  Jace paused for a response, but Alec made no move to indicate he had heard him.  “Do you think it could be okay if he talks to you? You… you don’t have to say anything, just nod if you’re willing.”

     Alec had to pause a moment, but finally gave the barest nod of his head.

     “I’m going to be right over there, though, okay? So, anything goes sideways, and you give me the signal, okay?  You know the signal,” Jace said.

     Alec made the hand motion that they had developed to communicate nonverbally in dangerous situations that something was wrong. They had a lot of little tells for each other.  It’s just that they didn’t usually have to resort to using them while off duty.

     “Damn right.  I see that, and I’m pulling the plug, okay?” he said, standing up.

     Alec nodded again.

     He moved away, and Alec continued his evaluation of the biota beneath his feet.  There was a shuffle and a step, and a pair of glittery Dr. Marten boots moved into his eyeline.  He could not bring himself to lift his head, but his gaze was caught by the shimmering material.  All that glitters...  The man knelt before him, like Jace, not touching him.

     “Hello Alexander,” Magnus said softly, and fuck if that throaty rasp didn’t ease something that had been pained and twisting under his ribs.  That voice that had caressed him in his dreams.  Fuck.  Fuck fuck fuck.

     “I worried I would never see you again,” the man continued after it became clear that he would not get a verbal response. “I apologize for the ambush back there. I’m guessing that was a little too much, all at once.  And… I suppose this is a bit of a surprise for both of us.”

     Alec hugged himself tighter, but he didn’t dare to look up at him.  At Magnus freakin’ Bane, who was here to tear up his life and expose him for the fucking worthless waste of space he was.  At Magnus, who had shared his body and his breath with him, and had made him feel loved in a way he had never known was possible.

     “It’s a lot to unpack, huh?” Magnus said, his voice soft and lilting.  “Are you feeling overwhelmed?”

     Here Alec managed a nod.

     “I understand,” Magnus said.  “There are times when I have had some pretty epic meltdowns.  Mine usually explode outwards.  There’s usually broken glass involved, and I can’t talk to anyone for days.”

     That did not sound like the man who Alec had met that night, so many months ago.

     “I manage to keep myself held together pretty well these days.  There was an era when I didn’t, though, and that was a really scary time for me.  I felt like I didn’t have control of anything. Everything was just so hard and arbitrary, and I fought it,” Magnus said.  His voice was so low that Alec had to strain to listen.  He cocked an ear to the side, still not looking at him. “It’s better now.  It’s a lot better.  The world can’t overwhelm you forever.  Over time you adjust to each new normal.  It gets a little easier.”

     Alec sighed, wishing that were true.

     “But for now, this is must feel like insanity,” Magnus said, so gently that tears welled up in Alec’s eyes.  “It’s okay, Alexander.  It’s going to get better.”

     Finally, Alec found the strength to raise his eyes. And there _he_  was, with his coiffed mohawk streaked with white, soft brown eyes, square jaw, and that perfect mouth.  He was easily the most beautiful man that Alec had ever seen, and he was looking at him with… whatever his expression, it looked a lot like how Alec felt.  But that was stupid.  Because Alec loved him, and that was stupid.  This man, Magnus Bane, couldn’t love him.  Not like this.  Not now. Alec’s tears fell to the ground, but he could not afford to pay them any mind.

     As Magnus met his eyes, the man smiled. When they had met at the bar, the man had given him smirks and sly grins, but this expression was… sweet. Tender.

     “It is _so_  good to see you, Alexander,” Magnus said, his own eyes glossing with emotion.

     Alec just held him in his gaze.  He was real.  Magnus, the man he pictured in every private moment, was real.  He had not made him up, and the night they had shared was not a fever dream.

     “How far did you run today?” Magnus asked.

     Alec blinked, his mind switching tracks.  This was a question that had a clear answer. “Ten K,” he said, his voice rough.

     “That’s impressive,” Magnus said.

     No, it wasn’t.  He ran that distance several times a week.  It was like putting on shoes, or mixing a bowl of cereal. Everyone could do it.

     “Was it a good run?” Magnus asked.

     It had been.  Alec could not trust himself to speak, so he just nodded again.

     “Where did you go?  Do you run through the forest?” he said.

     “I-I-I run down t-to the creek.  There’s a-a trail,” Alec said.  “A-and then it loops b-back up to the main road.”

     Magnus smiled again, as though his pathetic reply was delightful.  He looked around at the canopy above them and the brush around the wide trees.  “It’s beautiful here.”

     Alec followed his gaze, mystified.  Sunlight was shining through greenery, heated patches flickering through cool shade.  Moss coated stones and trees.  Motes of pollen and insects’ wings flashed through the sunbeams like stardust.

     “Yeah, I guess so,” he said in a whisper.

     They sat crouched there in silence for a few minutes.  Alec could feel his heartbeat slow.  The air gradually began to filter in around him, making breathing less of a chore as the iron band on his lungs eased.

     Magnus finally turned back to him, a look of serenity on his face.  “Would it be alright with you if we went to check into our hotel?” he asked.

     Was he asking permission?  From Alec?  …Was Magnus going to leave?  “Are you asking my permission?”

     Magnus chuckled.  “I want to know what would make you most comfortable, right now.  We came in and ambushed you, and for that I am truly sorry.  I was thinking it might be nice to give you some time to recover from your run.  And it would give us time to unpack and get ourselves situated.  It was a long drive this morning.”

     Alec nodded and slowly stood.  His muscles, awakened into action, spoke up to lodge a strong protest.  Magnus rose with him, watching him with his warm eyes.  Seeing their movement, Jace, who had been doing a poor job of trying not to pace on their periphery, rushed in to join them.  His brother made a visual check, and seemed to note that he was in significantly less distress than before.

     “And would it be alright if we came back later this evening?” Magnus asked.  “To make a proper introduction?”

     Before Alec could speak, Jace grinned. “Sure!  I can put on a barbecue!”

     Magnus bestowed a gracious smile upon him. “While that does sound lovely, I was directing the question to Alec,” he said, without venom.

     They both turned to look at Alec, and he swallowed hard.  “Yeah,” he said, “y-you should come for dinner.”

     He was rewarded with an open grin, and Alec could feel himself blushing again.

 

* * *

 

     They made their way back to the house, walking at an easy pace.  There was a fourth person in their company, whom Magnus introduced as Simon.  Alec was in no condition to offer more than a polite ‘hello,’ but the young man did not seem to mind.  As they strode along the path, he could not help but mentally kick himself for being such an idiot.  The man of your dreams shows up with a gang of yahoos, and what do you do? Run away like a frightened deer, bounding through the trees like Bambi.  Oh, and freaking out, and crying.  Way to go, Officer Lightwood.  Way to show grace under fire.  Fucking coward.

     He was aware that Jace was making small talk with Magnus and the Simon kid.  He was asking questions about the crew and the filming process.  It occurred to Alec that he should probably be paying attention so he could know what to expect, but his mind was blank.  All he could really feel was a droning dial tone ringing in his ears and a growing ache in his limbs.  It was fine.  Jace would fill him in on anything important he missed.

     When they returned to the house, Izzy greeted them with a worried look, and she pulled Alec into a hug.  He did not hug her back, since he was bathed in sweat, but he pressed his nose into her hair and inhaled the familiar floral scent of her shampoo before breaking away.  He gave her a wan smile.  A redheaded woman and a stony-faced man both emerged from the house, wordlessly heading to a car parked on the street.

     When the crew had moved away, Izzy ducked back into the house.  Jace hovered in the doorway, watching Alec from a distance.

     Before taking his leave, Magnus moved into his space, just a few inches closer than was normal.  “So, dinner tonight, Alexander?” he asked.

     He could not stop a thrill from coursing up his spine.  He nodded. “Yeah.  I’d like that,” he said.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Negative self-talk is pretty insidious, and it only serves to tear you down. Be kind to yourself.  
> Also, as I said, I know nothing about stuttering, and I am using it as a device to gauge stress level. I intend no harm or offense to anyone who lives with this speech disorder, and I hope you will forgive me if my intentions have not been met.


	6. Just Give Me This Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barbecues make everything better

     Magnus wordlessly handed the keys to Raphael, taking shotgun.  He looked out the window to see if Alexander would wave goodbye, but he had already brushed past Jace into the house.  Jace stared back at Magnus from the front door, and gave a small wave.  He returned it with a smile, feeling his heart crushing deep into his chest.  Clary and Simon were nestled in the back seat.

     “Oh my god, I feel so bad,” Clary said quietly.  “Is he okay?”

     Magnus did not have the heart to answer.

     Simon took up the burden on his behalf.  “I think it was a lot to take, and he wasn’t expecting it.  He’s okay, though.  Magnus talked to him.”

     Raphael pulled them out of the cul-de-sac, but his silence was palpable.  When they were finally back to the main road, though, he leveled Magnus with a weighted stare.  “You called him Alexander?” he said.

     Yes, yes he did.

     “If it’s all the same to you, I think I need to take a moment.  Let’s get to the motel, and get settled, then we’ll debrief,” he said, hoping that Raphael would understand that he was not ready to talk yet.

     The ride was spent in blessed silence; even Simon was stilled by their inauspicious meeting.  They made it to the hotel, and Magnus soon found himself set up again in another single Queen room.  He had given everyone an hour to relax, so he stripped off his clothes and headed straight to the bathroom.  The hot steam of a shower surrounded him and for a moment he just stood under the stream, trying to gather his wits.

     Alexander.  By the light of the angels and all of the stars, it was his Alexander!  He had spent so many lonely nights on the road replaying every moment of that incredible date, thinking of those lovely lips and the way their kiss had made him feel so alive.  And the way they had eaten out his ass like he was an ice cream sundae.  Fuck.  It was Alexander.

     They had spent the night together after the sex, with Alexander slumbering in his arms and Magnus feeling more vulnerable than he had allowed himself to be in years.  In the wee hours of the morning, he, too, had drifted off to sleep, only to be awakened what seemed moments later by the loud warble of an unfamiliar phone.  It had still been dark outside, the room bathed in shadows.  The man in his arms had startled and arisen swiftly.  There had been a murmured conversation, of which Magnus only caught ‘Shit’ and ‘You sure?’ and ‘What time?’ and ‘I’ll be there as soon as I can.’  Magnus had roused as best he could, looking to Alexander with eyes puffy with sleep. The man had stood in the dim space, naked and stunningly beautiful, with a look of chagrin on his face.  Magnus could tell that he had not wanted to leave, but that it was necessary.  Something was pulling Alexander away from him, and it left them with very little time to talk about the hasty departure. 

     “Last night was amazing,” Alexander had said.  “You are amazing.  I… I wish I didn’t have to go.”

     “Then don’t,” Magnus had said, knowing that his pleas would be futile, but he had needed to protest somehow.  “Stay for breakfast.”

     Alexander had taken his face into his hands, looking as though he might cry, and pulled him into a deep kiss that conveyed such affection that Magnus forgot to breathe.  “I have to go,” he said, regretfully.  “I’m so sorry.”

     And he had done just that.  He had thrown on his clothes and his boots in record time.  But he had paused at the door to take one last look.  Just like in the movies.

     Later that morning, Magnus had left instructions at the front desk.  If a tall, dark, handsome man named ‘Alexander’ came back to look for him, they were to give him Magnus’s real name and his number.  But he had never come back, and a week later Magnus was gone.  He never thought he would see him again.  That beautiful boy with his serious eyes.

     Feeling a little lightheaded, Magnus sank down and sat in the bathtub, pressing his hands to his lips.  Oh god, what was Catarina going to say?  They had, each as separate parties, entered into this agreement to film an episode about Alec Lightwood, but neither had known the true identity of the other.  Would this constitute a conflict of interest, if they had slept together?  And if he was honest with himself, he would be happy to sleep with Alexander again.  And again and again, if truth be told.  But was it ethical?  He had come here to _help_   Officer Lightwood, not get into his pants.  Could he separate his wants from Alec’s needs?  Should he even be here at all?  Should they cancel?  Magnus certainly did not want to.  The thought of packing up and abandoning Alexander was abhorrent.  Whether he was romantically involved or not, Alexander was in dire need of help.

     He spent several minutes just letting the water sluice over his skin before he finally sighed.  He should talk to Raphael and the others.  Sighing, he rose and grabbed the soap.  A few minutes later, he stepped out of his shower.  He found his phone and shot out a group text, telling the team to meet in his room in fifteen minutes.

     When everyone was gathered, Clary stretched out on the bed, Simon sat on the floor in front of her, and Raphael posed at the room’s tiny writing desk.  Magnus, himself, paced for a moment, then opted to lean against the bureau housing the television.

     “So, let’s start with an open floor.  What are your thoughts?” he asked.

     “I think we came on too strong,” Clary said.

     “That’s a given,” Magnus agreed, “but I don’t think any of us quite knew what to expect.”

     “Yeah, I mean, most people are a little shy at first, but I don’t think anyone’s ever run away before,” Simon said.

     “He’s definitely sensitive,” Raphael said, his arms crossed.  “From what Isabelle was saying, he’s introverted, isolated, and unequal.  He sees himself as ‘less than.’”

     Magnus nodded.  “His family seems to think that he needs to learn to have fun.”

     Raphael sneered, “People always think the problem is that they don’t know how to have fun.”

     Magnus looked to him and waited.  He and Raphael were often the most closely in-tune on the team.  For all that he was a surly bitch, Raphael was very astute, and his analyses, while cold, were seldom wrong.  Magnus often relied on his observations, if for no other reason than to confirm his own suspicions.

     Raphael said, “Alec is very likely depressed.  He is intelligent, possibly a sensitive—”

     “—Oh he’s _very_   sensitive,” Magnus assured him.

     “Okay, fine.  So that, topped with the feeling of overwhelming responsibility, dealing with severe rejection, fear of being seen, averse to attention?  This is going to be a hard one,” the image consultant said.

     “He also has a stutter,” Magnus said.  “No one mentioned it in the interview.  But he only seems to do it when he’s anxious or uncertain.”

     Raphael gave Magnus a look that begged to know whether he was joking or not.  “How is this guy even a cop?” he said bluntly.  “Don’t they have psychiatric evaluations?  I spent less than thirty seconds with this guy, and I would tell you that he shouldn’t be out on the streets in such a dangerous occupation.”

     “Hey!” Magnus turned on him sharply.  “We have no idea how he handles himself in his profession.  We caught him by surprise and mobbed him in his own home!”  He shook his head.  “You should know better than to make snap judgements about a client like that!”

     Raphael looked away, abashed but still scowling.  …Then again, he was always scowling.

     Clary and Simon were watching them both with large eyes from the bed.

     “Mom and Dad are fighting,” Simon audibly whispered.

     Clary reached out an arm to pull him into a loose hug from her perch.

     “I understand you are trying to alleviate the tension, Simon,” Magnus said, “but seriously, if any of you here make the mistake of judging Alexander, or any of our clients, we are going to have to take a look at our relationship and your roles on this show.  I am not one to make idle threats, and I am not jumping down any of your throats, but just remember our core values.  We are not here to judge; we are here to help.  Do we all agree?”

     Clary and Simon nodded.  Raphael closed his eyes, and then nodded as well.  Anyone who did not know him might think him disingenuous, but Magnus had been working with the consultant for several years, and he could read the subtle shifts in his body and his expression indicating that he was sorry.

     “You called him Alexander again,” Raphael noted quietly.  “No one’s called him that, except for you.”

     Magnus looked away, drawing his lips together in a hard line.  Guilty.

     “What aren’t you telling us?” Raphael asked.

     Magnus sighed and finally moved to sit in one of the chairs.  “It’s actually private,” he said.  “But I met Alexander once before.  It was months ago.  I never expected to see him again.  His reaction was probably due to the surprise of seeing me as much as it was from being cornered.”

     Raphael had that look he got when he knew that Magnus was not telling him the full story.

     “Just relax,” Magnus said firmly.  “That doesn’t change our program or our mission to help him.  I’ll call Catarina later, after the barbecue.”

     “That’s right,” Clary piped up.  “The barbecue!  Are we going to be filming?”

     “When we are on a job, the camera’s always rolling.  I’m not sure how much of it we would end up using though.  Please feel free to loosen up and be yourselves.”

     Simon raised his hand, indicating that he had a question.  A completely unnecessary action, and yet he could not seem to stop doing it.

     “Yes, Simon?” Magnus called on him.

     “I was wondering… what do you think we’re going to do with the footage from the woods?” he asked.  “I mean… you said I should follow you and the action, so I did.  It just… It seemed a little… uh… raw for raw footage.”

     Magnus had completely forgotten about the camera in that moment.  He hesitated, then said, “Keep it for now.  We may not air it, but it’s better to have and not need...”

     “…Than to need and not have.  Gotcha,” Simon said.

     “So, we’ll probably head back to the Lightwood house around 5 p.m.,” Magnus said.  “You are all on free time until then, but please be back here by 4:30.  And keep your eyes open for inspiration if you go out on the town.  Any little thing we can use to help Alec.”

 

* * *

 

     It was shortly after 5 p.m. when they returned to the house.  As soon as they emerged from the vehicle, Magnus could smell the pleasant scent of a charcoal grill burning.  They wandered up to the door to knock, and Isabelle answered, smiling at them.

     “Come on in!  We’ve got the grill going on the patio,” she said.

     As everyone ushered in, Raphael handing her a bottle of wine as a host gift, Magnus caught her eye and pulled her aside.

     “How is he?” he asked quietly.

     She gave him a tight smile.  “He’s doing alright,” she said.  “It’s Alec.  He could take the Gold if compartmentalizing was an Olympic sport.”

     Magnus chuckled.  “Where is he?”

     “I think he’s out back with Jace.”  When he started to make his way for Alexander, Isabelle caught him.  “So, did you really… You and Alec.  You’re the guy?”

     Magnus swallowed and nodded timidly.

     “Wow,” she said, breathless.  “What are the odds?”

     “I could not tell you, but I would definitely say this is unprecedented,” he replied.  “I had no idea who he was when we agreed to take his case.  I honestly did not.  I’m not sure my producers would have agreed if I had.”

     Isabelle’s face fell, and fear flashed in her eyes.  “Really?  But you’ll still take it, right?  You can still help him?”

     Magnus was caught off guard by her passionate plea, and he hesitated for a moment too long.

     “Please,” she said, the hint of a tear forming in her eye.  “Please, I don’t know what else to do.  I didn’t even know if you would come, but I don’t know what to do anymore.”

     Magnus immediately moved in to soothe her.  “Hey, hey, hey,” he said, taking her hands.  “I said my _producers_   might not have agreed.  But I am here now, and I can tell you that I already know that your brother is someone incredibly special.  I want to help him.  I don’t know how a reality TV show host can help him, but I give you my word that I will do everything I can.”

     She gave him a timorous smile.  “Even if you could get him to at least see a therapist, that would be amazing.”

     “Has he ever tried to seek help?” he asked.

     She shook her head.  “He seems to think it makes him weak if he goes to talk to someone, and I think he’s worried that it would get out at the station.  He worries it might cost him his job.”

     Magnus sighed sadly.  That was a common enough fear that prevented people, men especially, from receiving the care that they so clearly needed.  For all that the conversation of mental health and self-care were becoming more prevalent in their current society, the stigma from years before had deep roots.

     “I will see what I can do,” he said.  “I should probably go say hello.  I gave everyone clear instructions to be gentle with him, but…”

     “You still worry?  Yeah, that’s how I feel anytime anyone meets my brother,” she laughed.  “Please go through.  I’ll put this wine in the fridge.”

     Magnus made his way out to the patio.  Jace was standing over a sizeable grill, with Clary at his side explaining something about properly grilling vegetables.  The blond man was hanging on her every word.  Simon had found a frisbee and was desperately trying to entice Raphael into a game of catch.  Foolish boy; Raphael did not ‘play catch.’  Alec was sitting on a low block wall a small distance away, a beer in hand that seemed mostly to be serving as a prop.  As soon as he walked onto the concrete pad, the hazel eyes rose to stare at him again.  He looked as though Magnus might be a figment of his imagination, brought to life.

     Alec had showered, and his hair was no longer matted with sweat.  He wore black jeans and a dark T-shirt, but he wore loose sandals instead of his heavy boots.  His eyes followed Magnus’s every movement.

     Magnus smiled and walked over to him, unhurried.  “Hello, again,” he said.  “Mind if I sit?”

     “Please,” Alec said, gesturing to a spot next to him.

     He took a seat, leaning back on his arms.  “How are you feeling?” he asked.

     Alec huffed out a long breath.  “Can you not ask me that?” he said.

     “Alexander, I make my living by gauging the emotional well-being of the people I am with, and making micro-adjustments in my mannerisms to improve their experience.  At this point, it’s almost impossible not to ask you how you are,” he said with a smile.

     Alec snorted and took a slow pull from his beer.  “Can’t you just do the thing where you take one look at me and tell me how I am?”

     Magnus looked over at him suspiciously before remembering how he had flirted with him on their date.  He smiled lightly.  “I was mostly being cheeky and trying to get a rise out of you, back then,” he said.  “I would actually prefer to hear you tell me yourself, but you don’t have to feel obligated to share.”

     Alec stared out, eyes following Jace and then Isabelle as she came out to offer Clary a drink.  “I’m embarrassed, but I’m dealing with it,” he said, almost inaudible.

     “You had a pretty big shock today,” Magnus said.  “You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

     “You say those words, and I understand that you mean them,” Alec said.  “But trust me, you can’t make me feel better about losing my mind because a few people got in my face.  It’s embarrassing and it’s not how I handle myself on the job.”

     Magnus frowned.  “But you’re not on duty today,” he said.

     “Doesn’t matter,” Alec said.

     “It _does_   matter,” Magnus disagreed.  “You can’t be on patrol ever hour of the day, every day of the week, every week of the year, Alexander.  That kind of expectation is unrealistic.”

     Alec had a look in his eyes that seemed to say ‘Oh yeah?  Watch me,’ but he did not make any reply.

     Simon came running up, looking reminiscent of a puppy that had found its first tennis ball.  “Hey Alec!” he said excitedly.  “Can I try out your bow and arrow?”

     Alec hesitated, then stood.  “Have you ever shot before?” he asked.

     “Uh… no, but I’ve seen every Robin Hood movie made after the 1950s, and all six Tolkien movies!” Simon quipped.

     Alexander rolled his eyes, and motioned to him.  “Okay, fine, let’s start with a talk about safety,” he said.  With that, he led Simon away, down the sloped yard to the archery pitch.

     Magnus bit his lip as he watched him walk away, then sighed.  He was not left to his lonesome for long when Jace wandered up to him with a glass of wine in one hand and a bottle of beer in the other.

     “Take your pick,” the blond said.

     Magnus smirked.  “I’ll take the beer.”

     Jace shrugged and handed over the bottle, taking a sip of his new glass of chardonnay.  He smacked his lips and gave a gusty sigh.  “Ah, white wine.  ‘S good stuff,” he said.  He took up Alec’s vacated space, joining Magnus in watching Alec.  Down on the pitch, they could not hear anything that he was saying, but Alec was holding a bow, pointing at its different parts, clearly explaining their function.

     “Does he have his stutter on the job?” Magnus asked absently as he watched Alec’s biceps flex to demonstrate how to pull the bowstring.

     “Nope.  Never,” Jace said.  “Me and Izzy think it only happens if something is too personal or he’s nervous.”

     “Being an officer of the law is a highly stressful, highly dangerous job,” Magnus observed.  “And you deal with the public.  Wouldn’t that make him nervous?”

     Jace laughed and shook his head.  “No, it’s different.  When we’re in the field, we are out there to serve and protect, man.  Our roles are defined down to the letter of the law.  And Alec, he loves the law.”

     “So, there’s no question of his role, no uncertainty of his purpose.  Interesting,” Magnus mused.

     “Yeah, but the stutter thing… and actually the panic attacks, too.  That only started about two years ago,” Jace said, biting his lip.

     “Two years?  So… this is a new thing,” Magnus said.  “What happened two years ago?”

     Jace was silent a long time.  Then he shook his head.  “I can’t really talk about that right now,” he said, gravely.  “Maybe some other day.”

     Interesting.  Magnus could feel himself alight with curiosity, but knew it was best to wait on pushing the matter.  With that tone of voice, and the repercussions in Alec’s behaviour, it had to be something serious.  Too serious for a dinner party.

     Simon was trying to pull back on the bow string, clearly struggling.

     “How hard is it to pull back a bow string?” he mused to himself.

     “With a recurve bow, like he’s holding?” Jace answered.  “That one’s draw weight is about fifty-three pounds.  And that’s at its marked draw weight; Alec usually pulls further since he’s got those long gorilla arms.”

     “What does that mean?” Magnus said, turning to Jace with interest.

     “It means that you have to pull at least fifty-three pounds of weight and hold it steady to aim and release.  The further back you pull, the heavier it gets.  With a bow like that, anyways.”

     Magnus touched a finger to his mouth, looking as though he was pondering something, but really he surreptitiously checked to make sure he had not started salivating.

     “So, you guys slept together,” Jace said, frankly.

     Magnus froze and… was he blushing?  He never blushed!  He cleared his throat carefully.  “Yes, we did,” he said.

     “And… it was good?” Jace said.  His body language made it clear that he had no interest in searching for details.  He was concerned for his brother.

     “It was.  Honestly, I don’t think either of us left the encounter unchanged,” he said.

     Jace nodded, indicating that was enough information.  “Good,” he said, “good… good.  So… all that stuff we said… back in the living room…”

     “’The one-night-stand’ that he’s been ‘stuck on?’” Magnus remembered.

     “Yeah.  Um… I shouldn’t have said that.”  Jace seemed to mostly be addressing his wine glass.

     Magnus nodded.  “Under any other circumstance, those comments probably wouldn’t have had any kind of repercussions,” he said.  “It just so happens that this is a very odd situation that none of us saw coming.”

     “Yeah,” Jace said.  “Look… I am really glad you’re here to help my brother.  And seriously, whatever you two get up to, if you get up to it—”

     “—Please stop—”

     “—I’m just saying, I don’t care what you two do, so long as both parties are consenting.”  Here Jace looked at him directly, his strikingly mismatched eyes holding a barely-tamed ferocity.  “But you don’t hurt him.”

     Magnus was surprised to find himself slightly daunted at the flat declaration.  There was a significant threat unspoken, one that suggested that he would not want to know the consequences if he failed to adhere to this new rule.

     “You got me?” Jace asked quietly.

     Magnus swallowed and nodded.  “I have no intention of hurting Alexander, in this life or the next,” he said.

     That seemed to satisfy the blond.  “Awesome,” he said.  He suddenly stood, stretching a little.  “I should go check on those steaks.”

     What.  The hell.  Was that.

     Down on the pitch, Alec had brought out a smaller bow, and Simon was grinning as he pulled back the string and aimed at a target well away from their little party.  Alec was saying something, pointing and making a gesture toward the target.  A moment later, Simon seemed to let out a long breath and released the arrow.  It flew straight and true.  It ended up landing a couple feet short of the target, but Simon still began to jump excitedly, and Magnus could see Alec grinning.  God, the man was pretty when he smiled!

     A few minutes later, Jace was calling the crew to gather their plates.  Everyone helped themselves to a spread of grilled steaks and potatoes, and a salad that was uninspired at best.  There did not seem to be a place for anyone to sit, so Isabelle and Clary ran into the house to gather armfuls of blankets to spread out on the lawn.  The group lounged around on the blankets, eating and chatting lightly.  Alec lay on his side with his head propped in one hand, next to Magnus at the far end, watching over them.  Isabelle and Raphael seemed to be getting along well, which did not surprise Magnus, since Raphael, ace as he was, was attracted to intelligent women.  Clary had the entirety of Jace’s attention, and Simon, next to her, was cracking jokes.  Magnus smiled at the scene, enjoying the strange feeling of home.

     “I’m really sorry that I left in such a rush,” Alec’s voice called his attention back to his client.  “You know, back then.”

     Magnus smiled.  “I was truly sorry to see you go.  I left my name and number for you at the front desk, in case you came back.”

     Alec grimaced.  “Unfortunately, there was never the chance.  I had to testify in a nasty case; the judge moved up the court date to that day, and I had to hightail it back to make my testimony when called.  I was driving with lights and sirens the whole way back.”

     A small part of Magnus’s heart felt immediately better, knowing that there had been a good reason for his hasty departure.  “That makes sense,” he said.  “Did you make it to the courthouse?”

     “With just enough to splash some water on my face before I was called,” Alec said.  “It’s okay.  They put the guy away for a very long time.”

     They both sat in silence for a while.

     Magnus turned to Alec.  “How do you actually feel about doing this show?” he asked.

     Alec looked up at him with an unreadable expression.  He was very quiet at first, then, “I can’t say I like being publicly humiliated,” he said in a low voice.  Before Magnus could leap to his show’s defense, he held up a quieting hand.  “But… I trust you.  And as much fun as you seem to have, I-I don’t think you… at least, I _hope_  you don’t want to embarrass me.”

     “Never, Alexander,” Magnus said.  “Although I do enjoy watching you blush… but no.  I make my living by working with people, and helping them to find their confidence.  You don’t achieve that by making them feel like a joke.”

     Alec scowled down at his tasteless salad.  Isabelle had prepared it.  Magnus was not sure that she hadn’t just thrown some leaves in a bowl and walked away.  Finally, he said, “D-do you really think I need help?”

     “Alexander, I think you are marvellous.  You are handsome, you are sweet, you are smart, and sensitive.  You even sassed me once or twice.  I have no doubt of how splendid a human being you are,” Magnus said, watching the pink crawling into Alec’s cheeks with a little smile.  “But I also have the strong impression that you don’t share that same view of yourself.  And that, my darling boy, is why your family asked me here.  They see you the way I do, and they want you to know what it is like to know and appreciate this person that they love.”  Without thinking, Magnus settled himself down on his side opposite Alec, so he could more easily stare into his hazel eyes.  “There is something to be said about humility, Alexander.  It’s a favorable quality.  Those who brag are usually insufferable or, worse, irresponsible with their gifts.  Humility speaks of a practicality and awareness of the world and feelings of people around you.  But humility, in no way, requires that you actively dislike yourself.  In fact, it’s counterproductive.  Hating yourself and talking down about the things you do sets a stage for you to become a doormat.  People use you and walk all over you.  People wipe their dirt off onto you.  They walk away feeling clean and refreshed, but you are stuck in place, soiled and forgotten.  Over time that hurts you.  Doormats wear down to nothing.”

     Alec was staring at him wordlessly, tears in his eyes.

     “I am here,” Magnus said, “because your family and I think that there is so much inside you that is worth protecting and preserving.  We see you as better than the way you have allowed yourself to live.  You have nothing that brings you joy in your personal space.  You have no color in your life.  You haven’t allowed love into your life.  I could see all that from one look at your home, and it broke my heart.  You deserve so much love, and joy, and color.”

     Alec’s lower lip trembled, and he looked away, holding a hand over his mouth.

     “How about, if you trust me, you just give me this week to spend time with you?” Magnus said.  “Just come into it with me, with an open mind.  I mean, clearly whatever you’ve been doing with yourself hasn’t made your life brighter, right?”  Alec nodded almost imperceptibly.  “So, you may as well try me out, and see what comes.”

     Alec’s head turned toward him, and his eyes held a scandalized glint.

     Magnus’s eyes widened.  “I didn’t mean that!”

     Alec just looked like Magnus had suggested sex on the blankets in front of his whole family and god and everyone.  He seemed shocked.

     “Oh no!  Oh god.  No, I didn’t mean it like that!” Magnus said, feeling his own face heat up.

     A breath later, and Alec burst out laughing.

     The crew and siblings all halted in their conversations, staring at the sight of Alec flopping down for a hearty laugh.  It was like nothing any of them had seen up to this point, not even Magnus.

     “Oooh, your face,” Alec said through his laughter.

     “I didn’t mean it like that,” Magnus repeated sheepishly, trying to fight back his own grin.

     “I know, I know,” Alec said.  “It was just too good.”

     Magnus began to laugh with him.  Jace and Isabelle had looks on their faces that looked like they might have just tasted hope for the first time.  Simon looked like he had just seen the sun for the first time, while Raphael looked intrigued.  Clary just smiled.

     When he finally calmed down, Alec looked around at everyone’s staring.  At first, he seemed surprised, and then he seemed to shrink back into himself.

     “S-sorry,” he muttered.

     “No, Alexander, you are a delight,” Magnus said.  Without thinking, he reached out and brushed a hand along his forehead, clearing away a stray hair.  Alec flushed again, but he did not look away.  “So, what do you think?  Are you game?  Just to see if we can do something to help?”

     Alec considered the offer.  “And you’re not going to embarrass me?”

     “The first person to shame you will have to fight me,” Magnus assured him.

     Finally, he nodded.  “Alright.  I’ll do it.”

     They spent the rest of the evening side by side, chatting with each other and the crew.  They exchanged numbers, so that they could coordinate their schedule.  Magnus had decided that they would go shopping the next day, and the team made plans for Magnus and Clary to pick Alec up in the morning.  It was only when they departed that Magnus remembered that both Simon and Clary had been surreptitiously filming throughout the evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hands up, anyone who's been a doormat. So I'm basically using Magnus to talk to my younger self. Gosh, I wish I'd been listening.
> 
> Also, like I said, I know nothing about being a policeman officer, but Raphael voices some concerns that I would hold valid outside this story's setting.


	7. A Little Extra Armor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting with the program!

     Alec woke to the sound of his alarm, and for a blessed five minutes did not remember any of the events from the previous day.  He was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth under a hot shower, when he remembered that Magnus freakin’ Bane was going to be picking him up in an hour.  To go shopping, of all things.

     He would be lying to himself if he tried to say he was not excited by the idea of spending a day with Magnus.  He just hated shopping.  Crowds of people, loud noises, weird smells, and the constant feeling of looking like a fool.  He had no idea what he was supposed to gravitate towards; he had a couple cheap brands that he knew he could count on to have some basic necessities.  His main goal when shopping was to get in and get out as quickly as possible.  He would wear his clothes down to rags before facing a mall, if he was given the opportunity.  Fortunately, Izzy would often come home with a couple new shirts for him every month or so if she noticed his wardrobe was looking a little tattered.  She had learned a long time ago not to get too creative on picking out clothes for him.  He never wore any of the ridiculous prints she tried to entice him into wearing.

     For Magnus, he would brave the bad lighting and horrible Top 40 du jour.

     He threw on a T-shirt and jeans, making his way out to the kitchen to see if there was anything worth eating.  Izzy was already there, enjoying buttered toast.

     “Good morning,” she greeted, her eyes giving him a once-over that seemed to ask whether he was really planning on wearing that today.  Fortunately, she kept her judgements to herself.  Instead, she said, “Are you ready for a day of shopping?”

     Alec sighed.  “Not really.”

     Izzy gave him a rueful smile.  “Just think of it as modeling for your lover,” she said.  “It’s always nice to look good for your man.”

     He grabbed the loaf of bread, popping a piece into the toaster.  He scowled at her.  “He’s not my man,” he said.

     “You could have fooled me, the way he looked at you last night,” she said, mischief in her eyes.

     “Look, we slept together once.  It doesn’t mean he’s in love with me.  He’s getting paid to be here,” Alec groused.  There was no way someone as amazing as Magnus could feel that way about him, and it hurt to have Izzy rub it in his face.

     Izzy gave him a sour look, one that said she was disappointed in him.  “Just because his show brought him here doesn’t mean that he can’t be interested in you,” she said.  “And we aren’t paying him a red cent.”

     Alec searched for a strong comeback, but his mind drew a blank, so he just ignored her, choosing instead to focus on not burning his toast.

     “See?  You can’t come up with a valid argument, so now you’re doing your silent scowl thing so that no one catches on,” she chided him.

     He could not prevent his eyes from widening, and he glared at her.  “Shut up, you don’t know me,” he grumbled.

     She grinned.  “It sucks when I’m right, doesn’t it?  I suppose it would hurt less if that wasn’t all the time.”

     “You are _so_ not right all the time,” he said.

     “I was right about the dating app, wasn’t I?” she countered.

     “That’s different!” he objected.

     “I seem to remember you saying ‘Why would I want that, Izzy?  I’m just fine all on my own.  I’m Alec, and I don’t believe in your good ideas!  I want to be a hermit on a mountainside, considering unbridled sex with goats, not out on a hunt for love,’” she said.

     Alec gave her a long level stare before he had to leap to the rescue of his gradually burning toast.

     About fifteen minutes later, they could hear the sound of a car pulling into their driveway, and there came three short bursts of a car horn.

     “Looks like your knight in shining armor has arrived,” Izzy said.

     “Hey!  I’m the knight.  I keep my armor in top shape,” he said, backing out of the kitchen.  He felt a wave of apprehension wash over him.  He gave her a desperate look.

     “You are going to be fine,” she said.  “Knock ‘em dead.”

     “Thanks,” he said.

     He emerged from the house and saw that Magnus was behind the wheel of the SUV, the front passenger seat open and waiting.  He smiled and gave a wave, before mentally kicking himself for being so insipid.  Magnus, sat behind the wheel, was dressed as extravagantly as a bird-of-paradise, but, as with just about everything, he made it look good.  When Alec entered the vehicle, he noted that the back seat was occupied by a beautiful woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties instead of Clary.  He immediately felt a thrum of heightened tension inside the cab.  He could not tell where it was coming from, and he felt himself tense in response.

     “H-Hello,” he said to the woman.

     “Hello Alec,” she said, her voice deep and serious.

     “Alexander, may I introduce my producer, Catarina,” Magnus said.  He gave a smile when he spoke, but there was something caged behind his eyes that Alec had never seen before.

     “It’s n-nice to meet you,” he said, offering an awkward hand over the back of the seat.  She accepted the shake with murmured niceties.

     Magnus pulled the car away from the house and began heading into town.  Something was off.  Was Magnus in distress?  Why was he so quiet?  It was not an easy silence.  Alec could gather that there was something about Catarina’s presence that was upsetting him.  The energy in the car set his teeth on edge, and he had to take a deep breath to stave off his own anxiety.  Something’s wrong.

     “Where are we going?” he asked, worried.

     Magnus gave him a sidelong look.  For a moment, it seemed like he was going to take Alec’s hand, which might have helped, but he stopped himself.  Instead, he said, “We’re going to start by stopping for coffee, actually.  Catarina would like to have a private meeting with us, before we get into our day.”

     That did not sound good.  It was fortunate that the nearest coffee shop was not further than ten minutes from their house.  Alec was not sure he would have been able to handle the discordant feeling around him much longer.  When they entered the coffee shop, Catarina took their orders to the counter and paid, while Alec and Magnus took a seat in a back corner away from the other patrons. Alec tried to make eye contact with Magnus, but the man looked troubled and would not meet his eyes.  Alec felt as tight as his bow string.

     Catarina finally came to join them with coffee in hand.  Alec accepted his cup, but did not drink.

     “Mr. Lightwood,” she said, not unkindly, “it has come to my attention that, some months past, you and Magnus had… relations with each other.”

     Alec could feel his face grow hot, and he cast a wild glance at Magnus.  For his part, Magnus rolled his eyes and nodded, which did not tell him exactly what was going on.

     “U-uhm,” he started.  He took a breath and tried again.  “Y-yes, we did.”

     Catarina nodded.  “Mr. Lightwood, I want you to understand some things.  By the nature of this show, you can be seen as a party in a vulnerable position.”

     Alec did a double-take.  A what?!  “I beg your pardon?” he said.

     “You entered into a contract to work with Magnus, allowing him access to you and your family, and possibly some of your more private thoughts and feelings.  And I understand, by all accounts, that neither of you entered into this contracted consultation knowing the identity of the other.  However, by the nature of your previous relationship… Mr. Lightwood, I want to make sure that you are comfortable with this arrangement.  Magnus, in this instance, could be considered to be in a position of power over you, and I want to make sure that you understand that you have every right to walk away from this.  I don’t want you to feel like you have to do this.  No one wants you to feel that we are taking advantage of you.”

     Alec sat back, baffled.  “Y-you… you think he’s taking advantage of me?”

     Catarina gave Magnus a gentle smile, which he returned with a dirty glare, but said nothing.  “I don’t believe he is, no.  But it’s not about my or Magnus’s feelings.  Our organization is focused on the client’s experience.  If we were providing actual psychiatric care, we would certainly have to back out of this deal.”

     Alec’s heart leapt to his throat.  It was getting harder to breathe again.

     “However, we are purely an entertainment production company with aspirations of helping people,” she finished.  “So, with that in mind, do you feel comfortable to continue with filming?”

     Alec sat back.  He understood what she meant.  He had read enough on law and ethics to understand the strange grey area that they were in.  However, the idea that Magnus would just pack up and leave was… it was a nightmare.  He considered the conflict carefully for a long moment.  Then he noticed the feeling of doubt and concern vibrating from Magnus.

     He looked up at Catarina.  “I am comfortable working with Magnus, ma’am,” he said.

     “You’re sure?  I’ve seen yesterday’s footage,” she said.  “You seemed to be very upset at seeing him.”

     Alec felt himself flush with anger, and he barely managed to keep himself from snarling.  “Magnus is the only person who’s ever talked me back from one of those episodes,” he said, trying to keep himself under control.  “And it didn’t happen because I’m afraid of him.  I don’t know why it happened!  But Magnus was a shining light in the fucking dark, ma’am, and I resent the implication that his presence was unwelcome.”

     Catarina’s face was impassive.  Magnus’s soft brown eyes were wide and staring.

     “I do not feel that Magnus has been disingenuous, and he would never try to take advantage of anyone, least of all me,” he said, his voice hard.  “And if you knew him at all, you would already know that to be true.”

     Catarina surprised him, then, by smiling at him warmly.  She reached into a satchel at her side.  “I do know it to be true, Mr. Lightwood,” she said, her voice softer than before.  And with that, the strange tension that had been grating at Alec seemed to disappear.  She fished out a piece of paper and a pen.  “I know the kind of person that Magnus is, but this show is about you and your experience, and I had to know that you felt protected.”  She set the paper in front of Alec.  “This is a waiver, acknowledging the existence of your previous relationship.  It basically means that you admit that Magnus is not taking advantage of you.”

     Alec huffed and signed hurriedly.  “We shouldn’t even need this form,” he growled.

     She gave him a contrite look.  “And yet,” she said, as though that was all the answer he needed.  “If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the washroom.”  She rose and excused herself.

     As soon as she left, Alec, unthinking, seized Magnus’s hand, looking at him with concern.

     “Are you okay?” he asked, looking over his one-time lover.

     He could feel that Magnus had been hurt by the necessity for the conversation, but the man gave him a wan smile.

     “It’s been a morning,” Magnus said softly.  “Not the greatest start to the day.”

     “I-I can’t believe—”

     “—No, Alexander, it’s fine,” Magnus stopped him, squeezing his hand.  “It’s Catarina’s job.  And it’s as much to protect me as it is to protect you.”

     “I don’t like that she made you sound like a predator,” Alec said darkly.  “I deal with predators every day.  You are not like them.”  He could feel a wash of gratitude from Magnus, and Alec had to remind himself that he was not allowed to just kiss him.  Oh, but he wanted to.

     “Don’t judge her too harshly,” Magnus said.  “This is the only part of the job that she hates.  She’s been my friend for a long time.  If you had refused to work with me, she would have spent the night holding me while I cried.”

     Alec looked away, feeling his jaw click into position, the one that Jace and Izzy had both learned meant that there was no point in arguing with him anymore.  He would be polite to Catarina.  He did not have to like her.  Wait… Magnus would cry?  What?

     Catarina rejoined them at the table, pointedly ignoring Alec’s hand holding Magnus’s.

     “Well, gentlemen, I think I’ve traumatized you both enough for one day.  I’m going to meet up with Raphael to get some establishing shots of the area, and to make some arrangements, based on what we discussed, Magnus,” she said, looking at the show host with apologetic affection.

     Magnus gave her a watery smile.  “Thanks, Cat,” he said.

     “Simon’s going to meet you at the store in about an hour,” she said.  “Take your time.  I’ll see you later.”

     Alec made no move to bid her farewell.  She had hurt Magnus’s feelings; he could tell.  A minute after she left, he realized that Magnus had not let go of his hand.  They sat like that in silence for a few minutes, both of them staring into their coffees.

     “So, that was rough,” Alec said, finally.

     Magnus looked at him with… that weird ‘something’ in his eyes.  Alec could not place it, but whatever it was, he thought he might like it.  “You have no idea,” the man chuckled.  “She got in at 7:00 a.m. and it’s been non-stop ethics and conflicts of interest since.”

     “That’s a little heavy for a Saturday morning before coffee,” Alec said.

     “Speaking of which.”  Magnus grabbed his cup and gulped half of it down.  He sat back with a sigh.  “Ah, that’s better.  You should drink yours; it will do you wonders,” he said.

     Alec smiled and took a sip of his own drink.  Thank the light and the angels for coffee.  He watched Magnus, noting that the man had a pensive look to his face.  “Are you okay?” he asked.

     The man thought for a moment, searching for words.  Finally, he said, “I think it’s been a long time since someone has leapt to my defense like that.”

     Alec felt surprise.  “Wha—but what about your crew?  I thought they liked you,” he said.

     “Oh, they do,” Magnus reassured him.  “But they usually let me take the lead.  If I don’t fight, they don’t fight, usually.  They support me afterwards, if it’s necessary.”

     “But you were clearly upset,” Alec said, confused.  “I’m sure they would have done the same thing.”

     Magnus looked at him with a look of disbelief, then he bit his lip.  “I thought I was doing a good job of hiding that,” he said simply.

     “That you were upset?” Alec said.  “I dunno, it was coming off you in waves.  I don’t know how to explain it.”

     When he looked up, the gentle brown eyes met his with a look bordering on wonder.  The pretty almond-shaped lids were lined with black eyeliner and a glittering shadow that captured the light, and for a moment Alec forgot anything he had wanted to say.

     Magnus smiled and sighed.  “You are something else, Alexander,” he said softly.

     They did not let go of each other’s hands until it was finally time to leave.  They had to go meet Simon.

 

* * *

 

     Alec and Magnus met Simon outside of a store that, by the name alone, sounded expensive.  Not that Alec had much experience in brand names.  Simon was filming as they strode up.  Alec looked around uneasily to see if anyone was watching, but it was early enough in the day that there were not that many people around.  He felt a small part of himself sigh in relief.

     Instead of greeting Simon, Magnus turned to Alec.  “Alright Alec!  Welcome to your new favorite store,” he said.  There was a strange gleam in his eye, a cadence that was slightly exaggerated from his usual pattern of speech, and Alec realized that this must be his way of dealing with the camera.  “I have noticed that you favor the shadow palette, and I think it’s time to introduce you to something new.”

     Alec licked his lip in trepidation before he remembered Simon’s camera, and froze.  It was a strange thing to try to focus on a conversation, ignoring another person staring at you and recording every movement.   “O-okay,” he said.

     “Are you nervous?” Magnus asked, a sweet smirk on his face.

     “Uh, y-yeah,” he said.  Stop fucking stuttering!

     “Nothing to be fear, my dear,” Magnus said, taking up his hand, leading him into the store.  He made a broad gesture, mimicking a circus showman.  “Look at all this color!”

     Everywhere Alec’s eyes fell, there was a splash of varying hues in a muted rainbow.  Nothing was obnoxiously loud, but the lush abundance took him by surprise.  The clothes on the rack held softer fabrics than he was familiar with, and more textures than he knew to name.  The store itself smelled like wood and leather.  It was not half bad, actually.  The sales floor seemed to be empty of customers, although a clerk smiled and nodded at them from the counter.

     “What do you think?” Magnus said, looking proud.

     Alec swallowed hard, not sure where to look.  “There’s a lot,” he said.

     Magnus and Simon laughed, but not unkindly.  “Yes, the world is so full of wonderous things, of which fashion is only a small part,” Magnus said.  “But it can be a very fun part, if you know how to shop for it.”

     “I never really liked shopping,” Alec admitted.

     “Well, you’ve never been shopping with me,” his host said.  “Now, for your profession, you wear a uniform, so you don’t need any kind of business wear.  We are going to focus on your casual wear.  What is it you police call it?”

     Alec frowned in thought.  “You mean civilian clothes?”

     “Yes!  Exactly!  And while I know that you love your blacks and greys, I would like to see if I can steer you to more forgiving tones,” Magnus said.

     “Why?” Alec asked.

     Simon made a strange noise, but when Alec looked, he was holding a hand ponderously to his lips, staring into the view screen of his camera.  Magnus gave him a stern look, and Simon visibly cringed.  Was he laughing at him?  Why would he laugh?  Alec felt immediately too hot, and he began silently noting the location of all the emergency exits.  If it came to it, the ceiling was low enough; if they put him in a fitting room, he could climb into the false ceiling.  Maybe drop into the adjacent store and make his escape.

     “Alexander,” Magnus said, and this time his voice was gentle and compelling, like it was meant only for him.  He felt his attention drawn irresistibly back to his host’s beautiful face.  “It’s okay.  Just breathe.”

     Alec took a gulp of air, then nodded.  He never had this problem when he was in uniform.  He always knew what to do when he was on the streets.

     “Let’s just take our time, okay?  You don’t have to feel ashamed or embarrassed to be here.  You have as much right to this space as anyone else,” Magnus said softly.  “And to answer your question, the reason I want to try you in colors, is because… clothing is a coat of armor you wear when you make your way in the world.  Whether we want it to or not, and believe me, I do think that there are issues inherent in making judgements on people based on their clothes, but our clothing can give cues to strangers on what kind of person they might be dealing with.  You, in your black shirt and black pants, combined with your striking face, what kind of person do you think most people see?”

     Alec was taken aback.  This was nothing he had ever thought to consider.  “I-I dunno,” he said.  “Maybe they don’t notice me?”

     “Sure, you might think it helps you to hide,” Magnus said, nodding slowly.  “Simon, what do you think of Alec in his blacks?”

     Simon cocked his head to the side, and donned an apologetic expression.  “With his height, and that scowl, he’s pretty intimidating,” he said.  “And I think he’s angry.  Or else maybe he’s a roadie for a touring band?”

     Alec’s eyes widened, and he looked at Magnus helplessly.

     Magnus was nodding.  “Black on black can be a striking look,” he said.  “But if you don’t temper it with softer fabric choices or varying textures, then you can look unapproachable, dangerous, or like you have a job selling phones somewhere.”

     “I just thought it was easier,” Alec mumbled.

     “Easier than making a statement?  Or easier than making a wrong choice?” Magnus asked.

     “Both,” Alec said, looking at his shoes.  Black boots.  Black socks, too.

     “Let’s talk about that as we shop,” Magnus said.  He led the way to a rack of shirts, glanced at Alec, and then pulled out a series of subdued greens, purples, heather grey, and salmon.  One more glance, and he threw in a muted teal as well.  “Let’s do this at your pace.  I want you to try these on, and tell me how the color makes you feel about yourself.”

     “One of these is pink,” Alec said flatly.

     “It’s salmon,” Magnus said.  “And you will look lovely in it.  Trust me, I should know.”  Magnus gave him a small wink, and then led him to the changing rooms.

     As Alec tried on each new color, he could feel himself growing anxious.  When he finally came to the teal shirt, he had to stop and hold himself in the fitting room.  It wasn’t that he hated his body.  He knew he kept it in good shape.  But something bothered him about the bright color.

     “Are you alright in there?” Magnus’s voice came through the door.

     “I-I dunno,” he said, half to himself.

     “May I see?” Magnus asked.

     Like ripping off a Band-Aid.  Just do it.  He wordlessly opened the door, not taking his eyes from the full-length mirror.  Magnus started to make delighted sounds before he realized that Alec was uncomfortable.  He put a hand on his shoulder, enticing Alec to look at him.

     “What’s wrong, Alexander?” he said.  “What about this color bothers you?”

     “It’s… It’s bright,” he said.  He was fidgeting, and forced himself to relax into an at-ease stance.

     “It is certainly brighter than anything you’ve seen yourself in for a long time,” Magnus said.  “But it’s not an especially loud.  It does wonderful things to the tone of your eyes, bringing out the green at the rim of your irises.  It doesn’t wash you out.”

     “I just… I feel like everyone’s staring at me,” Alec said, looking down at the floor again.

     “Alexander,” Magnus said softly, “there’s no one here staring at you.  Well, except for me, but I am appreciating what I see.”

     “I just feel… I dunno,” he finished lamely.

     Magnus thought for a moment.  “Dressing in your shadow gear, do you feel safer?  Because you feel like no one will notice you?”

     Wordlessly, Alec nodded.  So fucking stupid.  So stupid, so stupid.  Fuck.

     “Let me tell you something, Alec,” Magnus said.  “I dress in a way that is designed to make people stop and stare.  I want them to see me.  I want them to pay attention, and think about how fabulous and well-dressed I am.  A lot of it’s in the details,” here he gestured at his jewelry, his hair, and his flashy makeup, “but it also requires the attitude to go with it.  I have the confidence to make this look good.”

     He did look good.  Like, really good.  He was wearing a beautiful shirt with printed epaulets and braiding, and a necklace that hung down to a point on his open chest that Alec actually found very distracting if he allowed himself to think about it for too long.  He had some kind of metal cuff on his ear and a fistful of exotic rings.  Alec noticed that he was staring, and quickly averted his eyes.

     “What I am saying,” Magnus continued, “is that I would never dress you, Alexander, in something like this.  Not at this point.  It would attract a kind of attention that you aren’t currently looking for.  The clothes would end up wearing you.  You know the saying ‘your mouth is writing cheques that your ass can’t cash?’”

     Alec laughed.  “Yeah, I know it.”

     “You in _this_   get up, your clothes would be writing the cheques, and, while your ass could probably cash them, I don’t think your heart would be ready to drive it to the bank to make the deposit,” Magnus said.

     Alec looked to the ceiling to picture exactly what Magnus had described, trying to figure out the nuance of what he was saying. “What… does that… mean?”

     Magnus was watching him with some kind of secret amusement.  “I’m saying you’re not ready for flashy, darling,” he said.  “Maybe someday.  But for now, I would never choose something in which you looked out of place.  So, this color, yes, it’s bright, it’s light.  It makes people look more at your face than at the silhouette your stark black getup would.  You look good in it.  _Very_   good.  It will not look unusual to anyone other than yourself.  But, that said, if you don’t feel comfortable in it, then you should not get it.  Never buy something that you don’t feel comfortable in.  You won’t wear it, even if you tell yourself you might.”

     The teal was actually a nice color.  It was just a lot more declarative than anything he had chosen to wear in the last ten years.  But, then again, everything outside of black was a declaration for him.

     “Do you like me in this?” he asked, his voice low.

     Magnus rolled his eyes.  “I like you in anything, and I’m not the one who has to enjoy this shirt.  If you like the way you look, then the rest of the world might decide to share your opinion.  But if it comes down to my preference… Yes, I like you in that shirt.”  His eyes did a little hungry flicker, and Alec wondered what it could mean.

     He decided that he liked whatever it was that he saw in Magnus’s eyes.  So he nodded.  “I do like this color,” he said.  “Maybe I should try something new.”

     The way Magnus beamed at him made him decide that this was probably a good choice.  Magnus would not let him look like an idiot, anyways.  He just knew it.

     In the end, they left the store with a series of T-shirts and button-down shirts in colors of a twilit forest and vintage camping photos.  Magnus also added several pairs of stone-wash jeans, and a couple off-season sweaters.  Alec tried to remind himself that this would be his armor.  This would be his shield.  It was worth spending time and money to bolster a strong defense.  He even let Magnus buy him the salmon colored shirt.  It made his eyes look lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about Catarina, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't consider the conflict of interest. I don't actually know if it would be a problem or not. Why? Because I know nothing about making a show of any kind. Also, now Magnus has to keep his hands to himself, poor lamb.
> 
> I also want to say thank you for the comments and kudos. It really means a lot to me! I haven’t been replying much because I’m a.) quite shy and b.) deep in the throes of the construction season at the moment, and c.) I never know if I’m supposed to reply or not, and then I overthink it and panic and then I have to put the computer away.


	8. Self-Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get them muscles moving... but not in the sexy way.

     Their next stop brought them to a restaurant with bare wood paneling, barn doors, and farm kitsch juxtaposed with sophisticated lighting fixtures and steel-toned paint.  Alec had passed it once or twice when patrol took him to this neck of the woods, but he had never had time or inclination to go in.  He and his siblings did not often venture out further than the Hunter’s Moon, partly for convenience and mostly for comfort.  The host staff’s eyes kept flitting over to Simon and his camera, but once Magnus gave them a reassuring smile, they were led back to a table where Clary was already seated.

     Magnus leaned down to greet her with a kiss on the cheek, then moved to take his place at the head of the table.  Alec looked around hesitantly and took his own place to Magnus’s left, across from the redhead.

     “I thought it might be a good idea to stop for a light lunch,” Magnus said, making himself comfortable.  “And take the time to catch up with Clary.”

     Alec nodded dumbly.  He had not spoken much with Clary, since Jace had clearly become besotted with her and monopolized all her time.  Not that he minded; he would never deny Jace the joy of falling head over heels for someone.  Even if she was out of his league.

     “How was shopping with Magnus?” Clary asked, her cherubic face lighting up for the camera.

     “Uh, well… It was fine,” Alec said.

     Magnus cocked his head to the side, and then reached out to take Alec’s hand under the table.  His fingertips were warm, smooth.  “Was it terrible?” he asked.  There was a glimmer in his eyes that made Alec think he might be prompting a stronger answer.

     “N-no, it wasn’t terrible,” Alec said.  “I think it helped to think about clothing as a protection or disguise.  Like… I spend a good part of my life watching out for potentially dangerous situations.  When you’re on duty, you sometimes answer to calls where you may not be intrinsically safe.  You have to watch out for people that aren’t glad to see you when you show up.  You have to watch out for the environment around you.  S-sometimes it’s hard to turn that off.  So, a little extra armor might help on the free days, like, to relax around civilians.”

     “What you’re talking about sounds a lot like hypervigilance,” Magnus mused.

     Alec shook his head.  “I don’t know what that is,” he said.

     Here Magnus looked to Clary, offering her a chance to weigh in.

     “Well, the basic definition of hypervigilance,” Clary said, “is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviours whose purpose is to detect activity.  Basically, you are _always_   alert and watching everything around you, looking to find where the next attack is coming.  It can happen to people who’ve been through trauma or situations bad enough that they fear they might come to harm if they are not always ready, either to battle or to run.  It can feed into anxiety, and lead to exhaustion, since we are not designed to constantly live in fight or flight.”

     A part of Alec wanted to protest that he was not traumatised, that he was fine, that he had always been fine.  He even started to speak in denial, but then caught himself.  There were things that woke him in the middle of the night.  He and Jace, and Izzy as well, all had their bouts with night terrors.  Sometimes after a particularly grisly event, sometimes after a dangerous call.  There were some cases that still haunted him, and he had to actively bypass their recollection or risk reliving every moment in sequence.  Nights when he failed to forget, those were the ones where Jace or Izzy had to hold him and talk to him for hours before he realized they were there.  They each took up that burden for each other.

     He swallowed, shuddering.  Then a light pressure on his hand made him return to himself, and he looked up to see Magnus’s dark eyes watching him with concern.  Alec cleared his throat.

     When he was able to form words, he looked to Clary.  “Like I said… it’s hard to turn off.”

     “That’s perfectly normal with the career that you have,” she said.  “My dad’s a deputy chief, but he was a detective for most of my life.  I’ve seen him dealing with similar issues, especially after a bad one.”

     Alec sat up a little taller.  “Where’s your dad stationed?”

     “He works out of the South Precinct.  Luke Garroway?” she said.

     He knew the name, and had caught a glimpse of the man at official functions, but they had never spoken.  “Wow, Deputy Chief Garroway!” he said.  “And he dealt with that kind of stuff?”

     “A lot of people have things in their lives that make them feel unsafe, or on edge, at the very least,” Clary told him.  “It’s actually not uncommon.  Especially if you’re already a sensitive person, which my dad kinda is.”

     Alec was stunned.  There was a part of him that knew he was not good enough.  He had never been a good son, always falling short of his parents’ expectations.  It had hurt them so deeply when he came out to them, and he could never forgive himself for the way he made his mother cry.  After that, he had broken their hearts by giving up his acceptance to Harvard Law and enrolling in the Police Academy.  He had hoped that he could do some good in the world, after proving to be such a failure as a son.  Once in the Academy, though, Jace had shown his natural ability that put him at the head of the class, and Alec had only managed to maintain his position as second by the skin of his teeth.  Izzy had surpassed him academically, which was to be expected since she had a brilliant mind, but over time he realized it was also because he was the idiot child of the three of them.  Nowadays, everyone thought his eerie skill at reading a room was weird, and they didn’t want to talk to him.  His only saving grace seemed to be his ability to keep a schedule, plan ahead, and follow rules.

     To hear that Luke Garroway, Deputy Chief of the South Precinct, was sensitive was unbelievable.  People seemed to throw around that word in reference to Alec when they thought he wasn’t listening, but they had never used it as a positive.  But if a detective could have a long career on the force, with upward advancement… For the first time since he had filed the paperwork, Alec began to wonder if it was actually possible to get his promotion.

     Clary was still talking, and he abruptly returned his attention to her.  “The reason I bring any of this up, Alec, is because, from my experience with my own father on the force, I know how important self-care can be.  I was wondering if there are any self-care methods that you practice?”

     He had to think for a moment to figure out what she meant.  ‘Self-care’ was not a term with which he was familiar.  Through the context of her question, he understood this was some way of taking care of himself… but he got himself out of bed in the morning and put food in his body.  He kept himself clean and in shape.  The way she phrased it did not sound like she was referring to those things.

     “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean,” he finally said, giving up.

     Clary nodded.  “Self-care is activity that you do to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  It’s like you’re taking steps to keep your mood up, doing things you know will help you.  Like I, for example, love to draw.  If I’m having a rough day, I sit down and spend some time with my sketchbook.  Or I will take a long, hot bath with scented oils, because I find it relaxing and I can let my mind wander.  Do you do anything like that?  Is there anything that makes you feel happy or comfortable?”

     Alec thought about this before asking, “But wait, if you already like to draw, why is it self-care if you’re drawing?  Wouldn’t you be doing it anyways?”

     “Sure, I might!  Absolutely!  But the key is choosing to do it in a moment that I am feeling down.  Sometimes, if I am feeling depressed, I tend to avoid the things I know will make me happy.  The conscious decision to do something that I know, deep down, that I will enjoy makes it self-care.  Or like the bath; I shower on the regular.  Keeping my body clean is not out of the ordinary.  It’s giving myself permission to take a longer amount of time, actually stopping and giving myself, say, an hour of luxury, all to myself.  If I know I’m in a really rough spot, I will often get myself a nice face mask, do a hair treatment, the works.”

     “So, you’re saying,” Alec said slowly, “that self-care is choosing to do something you like in your darkest hours?”

     “Well, ideally you would be investing your time to self-care as a preventative measure.  Doing these things before it gets bad.  Taking even ten minutes a day, just to do something kind for yourself.  Looking out for yourself like you would look out for Izzy and Jace.”

     Alec looked at Magnus, who was watching him with interest.  “Do you do things like that?”

     “Oh, all the time!” Magnus said.  “I meditate every morning.  I make sure I drink water throughout the day.  I have a whole list of things to treat myself with.”  He made it sound so normal.  And yet Alec could not quite fathom what good it would do him to take time for himself.

     “I’m guessing from your questions that this is might be a new concept for you,” Clary said, her tone easy and non-judgemental.  “After lunch, if you’re willing, I have a session scheduled with you where I can maybe teach you how to pamper yourself a bit.”

     Confused, Alec looked at Magnus.  The man nodded, squeezing his hand again.  “It’s all part of the experience,” Magnus said.  “You should give it a shot.”

     In the end he agreed; he had said he would be game to try out this weird experiment for the week, right?  They passed through their lunch hour somewhat easily.  Alec chose a sandwich and salad combo, since he did not want to brave anything messier with Simon filming.  When they finished, Magnus stood.

     “Well, Alexander, as much as I hate to, I must leave you to Clary’s ministrations,” he said.

     Alec’s head whipped up.  He could feel his heart rate increase incrementally.  “W-wait, why?” he said.

     “Clary is going to be working with you privately,” Magnus said ominously, “but I will collect you afterwards.”

     Alec was not thrilled about being left alone with Jace’s new not-girlfriend, but he was not a child, and he could not cling shyly to Magnus for the entire week.  Simon followed them as they moved onto the street, making their way down the storefronts and shop windows.

     “Don’t worry, Alec, we are going to be very gentle today,” she said.  “I’ve rented an open studio space for our use, and it’ll be just you and me.”

     As they drew up to a glass door, Clary kissed Simon on the cheek and shooed him away.  She beckoned Alec into a space that was beautiful.  It was wide open room, with a wooden floor and a wall of mirrors to one side.  A partition screen decorated with various birds was set up near the far wall.  The mirrors in that area were covered with brightly colored scarves, and a second screen was opened for their access.  There was a soft chiming music floating through the air, and there was the sound of running water coming from somewhere.  Clary led him to the screen.  Behind it there was a high padded table covered in sheets.

     “So, my first question,” she said, looking up at him, “is ‘have you ever been to a massage therapist?’”

     Alec’s eyes bugged out slightly.  “Uh, no!  I-I-I don’t f-frequent those… uh… kinds of… establishments…”  As he said it, he realized that he might have been given a wrong idea about what ‘massage’ meant.  “Sorry!” he corrected himself immediately.  “I don’t think I said that right.”

     Clary gave a very pretty grimace and shook her head.  “No, actually that is, very unfortunately, a common stereotype that could not be more wrong.  Somewhere in our culture, we devalued the placing of hands on one another, and it got lumped in with sex work in our ideation for a long time.  Which, by the way, sex work can also be a valuable service when it’s safely and compassionately managed.  But no, massage therapy is a valuable service, in line with physical therapy.  If you are suffering from injury, we can help to rehabilitate and alleviate the pain.  If you are stressed out, we can help to relax you.  A lot of health insurances nowadays will cover a certain number of visits to massage therapists because it is preventative health care.”

     Alec was fascinated.  Clary’s amber eyes lit up with passion as he spoke, and he guessed he could understand why Jace was so taken with her.

     “And now, after my little soap box moment,” she said, “would you be comfortable receiving a massage from me today?  I am a licensed massage therapist, and I have almost five years of experience.”

     “Is… Is it going to be filmed?” Alec asked uneasily.

     “No, absolutely not,” she said.  “This is a private moment between you and me.  I have cameras filming now, but those will be turned off—see that light there? That’s the camera—and then we will resume post massage, if that’s okay with you.  And let me make it clear, it’s entirely up to you.  You don’t have to say ‘yes’ if you don’t feel comfortable.”

     He had never had a massage before.  It sounded… like it was nice?  “I’m willing to try,” he said, still feeling a bit nervous.  “How does it work?”

     “Well, I will turn off the cameras, and then I’ll leave you alone for privacy, at which point I’ll have you undress down to your level of comfort—”

     “—What does that mean?” he asked.

     “It means some people are very self-conscious, and they don’t feel comfortable taking off their shirts.  That can make the massage a challenge, but I don’t want you to feel embarrassed if that is an issue for you.  Other people strip it all away, and go buck naked.  Most people choose to leave their underwear on.  Whatever you choose, I can tell you that I have seen a lot of bodies, and this area is free of any judgement.  You are safe and cared for in this space,” she said.

     “What would you prefer?” Alec asked.

     “It’s not up to me, Alec,” she said, smiling.  “But, if you feel comfortable being naked, your body will be covered by the sheet at all times when I am not actively working an area.  Mostly, it’s no shirt, no shoes, no socks, no pants.”

     Alec gulped, and nodded.  “Okay,” he said.

     In the end, Clary made him fill out a short questionnaire about his physical health and any aches and pains he was feeling, before asking him to undress and lay down under the sheets on the table while she waited outside the room.  He felt very exposed as he crawled between the sheets.  Per her direction he lay down and waited until finally he heard her return.

     “Are you ready for me to come in?” she asked.

     He gave her permission, and they got started.

 

* * *

 

     He was not sure how much time passed.  Clary seemed to think it was a little over an hour, but as far as Alec was concerned, time could go hang itself.  He felt drunk.  Seriously drunk.  He turned to her, trying to be alarmed, but not really capable of mustering the emotion.

     “Is this normal?” he asked her.

     “Is what normal, Alec?” she laughed, clearly enjoying his languid state.

     “I feel like I’m drunk, and like everything’s sparkling,” he said dumbly.

     She laughed again and handed him a bottle of water.  “Yes, that can happen.  Massage can encourage the production of serotonin and dopamine and reduce stress hormones.  It can feel a lot like being drunk.  Also, all your muscles got worked, so, while it’s not the same as strength training, every part of your body was moved today.  So be sure to drink all that water.”

     Alec laughed a little sloppily, and took a grateful swig.

     They began to talk in earnest about the cost of getting a massage, and how it was not likely covered under his current health insurance barring rehabilitation from injury.  Clary pointed out that it was not cost prohibitive on his own dime, if he saved as little as four dollars a day for two weeks, depending on the local spa costs.  Self-care could sometimes mean treating yourself to an experience like this.  She gave him a list of ideas for what he could do to make time each day for himself.

     When Magnus came to collect him, they were sitting on the floor, cross-legged.  Alec looked up at him with a goofy grin.

     “May I gather from your expression that you enjoyed your massage session?” Magnus asked, smiling right back.

     “It was his first time,” Clary said as she helped Alec to his feet.

     Magnus had that glitter in his eye that Alec found really distracting.  “Seems like we have a lot of firsts for you,” he said.

     Alec could feel his face heat up again, but he actually laughed.  It was hard to feel like an idiot when he felt this good.  “I don’t think I’ve ever been this relaxed before.  Like in my life,” he said.

     “It’s a good look on you,” Magnus said.  “Do you think you’ll be able to take time for yourself each day, and try to bring this moment to your mind?”

     At this point, Alec was willing to agree to just about anything, so he said ‘yes.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about self-care, besides what I try to practice, and you should probably do your own research before you consider listening to anything I've said. I do recommend working with a professional therapist, if you can, to find healthy, positive methods that work for you.
> 
> I have family members who are massage therapists, and their hands are pure magic. They have had to deal with some pretty backwards thinking about the validity of their jobs. As far as I am concerned, they are healers. If you've never gotten yourself a full massage, please let me encourage you to save up and treat yourself. If you have any concerns about your body, don't even worry about it; they've seen it all. We are all beautiful and deserving of their care. If you are scared or uncertain about anything, you are allowed to ask questions until you feel comfortable. It IS polite to have had a shower that day, though. And my family will also tell you, drink lots and lots of water.


	9. None of Us Fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talk of parents and impossible standards. Possible trigger warnings? Like, nothing explicit, but parents can be problematic.

     Magnus loaded a blissful Alec into the SUV, intending to take him home.  They had covered a lot today, and he knew it was not a simple thing to step out of one’s comfort zone and try new things.  He had been a little concerned about the massage, only because he was not sure how Alec felt about being touched.  Well, aside from… intimate moments.  Clearly it had been a good choice, though.  The man sat peacefully in the seat next to him, beaming at him with a heartbreaking openness and affection in his eyes.  As they drove away, it occurred to Magnus that this was the first time since seeing Alec again that they were truly alone together, off camera.

     He glanced over at Alec.  “Penny for your thoughts,” he said.

     Alec made a cute snort.  “Pennies are an outdated currency,” he said.  “You’re going to have to compensate for inflation.  Also, I don’t think I have any thoughts anymore.”  He sounded almost as sleepy as he had when he had cuddled up in his arms all those months ago, and Magnus felt his heart give a little lurch.

     “No more thoughts?  Incredible.  If I had known all it would take was a good rub down, I’d have led with that,” Magnus said, giving him a sly grin.

     Alec’s cheeks tinged pink, but he kept staring at him with his huge eyes.  “D’you know how dirty you make things sound?” he said.

     “Do you know how dirty your mind has to be to draw those conclusions?” he countered.

     “I don’t have a dirty mind!”

     No, but you have a filthy mouth when you kiss me, he wanted to say but didn’t.  Instead he hummed skeptically, grinning.  “So you say, Alexander.”

     Alec sighed.  “Why am I so tired?”

     “Well, you just got a full body massage, and we spent the better part of the day forcing you out of your comfort zone.  That’s bound to wear you down,” he said.

     His passenger pondered this in silence.  “I still don’t know why you’re bothering with me,” he finally said.

     Magnus glanced over at him, then abruptly pulled the car over to a curb.  When he had shifted to park, he turned so he could look at Alec fully.

     “Alexander,” he said, “I understand that you probably talk down to yourself and tell yourself that you aren’t worthy of love and attention.  From what I understand, you parents held you to impossible standards your whole life, and then, when you opened up and told them your truth, they rejected you.  I know that that has to leave serious wounds on you.  The crimes of our parents often leave us with scars where no one can see.  Some parents are not ill-intentioned, some are, but… Alexander, they gave up their right to have an opinion of you and your life when they abandoned you.  Their judgement is clearly flawed and biased towards themselves.  And a parent who can’t see past their own ideals in order to learn to love and accept the person that they helped to raise into a human being… They’re not humane.  They are not good for you.”

     Alec was very silent, staring at him with unshed tears in his eyes.

     Magnus continued, “You don’t have to tell yourself awful things to confirm what you assume are the reasons for their rejection.  You can start living for yourself.  Following your own heart,” he said gently.

     Alec gave a loud sniff and looked away, rubbing at his face violently.  “Yeah, sure.  What do you know about it?” he said, defensive.

     Magnus sighed, and held a small war within himself before he decided to tell the truth.  “What do I know about a parent’s rejection?” he said, trying to keep his voice stable.  “Well… I was removed from my household when I was about eight or nine years old,” he said slowly.  “It was… It was an unsafe, uh… situation for me.  My mother… she thought I was a demon?”  He had told this to therapists.  He had told this to Cat.  He had told this to Camille, of all people, before she had broken his heart.  It was never easy to say the words out loud.  “So she… she tried different things… to get the demon out.  Uh, yeah, so there were some broken bones, when the teacher at school finally noticed.”  Magnus cleared his throat, looking out his window instead of daring to face Alec.  “I was… I was old enough that no one wanted to adopt me, so instead I got a string of foster families.  Not all foster families are built the same.  Some of those situations… it wasn’t necessarily an improvement.  I was angry, and scared, I was acting out.  They said I was a high-risk kid, and some of the fosterers decided that meant I needed strongly enforced structure.  These days I would call it another form of abuse.”

     Magnus was fairly proud of himself for maintaining his composure so far.  His eyes were wet, though, and he realized he must have started crying at some point.  Fantastic.  You try to share compassion and wind up a soppy mess.  Great.  He chanced a glance at Alec.  And was surprised to see eyes full of love gazing right back at him.  He was not ready to accept that, though.

     He coughed and dabbed at his tears.  “My point,” he said, “because I had a point to this… The things that I have faced in my life, the things I have been called… that’s what other people have chosen to do to me, to say to me.  But I am a human, capable of love, compassion, kindness, and I try to be open and generous with my time.  I still have my own bouts with anxiety, and sometimes explosive anger if I feel unsafe, but I am constantly learning how to navigate those things mindfully.  I am not the names I’ve been called.  I am not deserving of the pain I received.  I did not earn that; it was something done to me.  The judgement is on those who performed those acts.  Not me.  I don’t have to carry it with me, and so I try not to.  I own my actions; I just do everything I can to make those be ‘good’ actions.”

     He finally met Alec’s eyes.  “In my experience, the negative self-talk that we do to ourselves really only ends up serving the needs of those who hurt us.  They wanted us to hurt and to keep hurting.  You ask me why I bother with you?”

     Alec hesitated, then nodded slightly.

     “I bother with you, because I see someone amazing.  When… when we made love, you were so sweet, and hot, so communicative… you were so giving.  You deserve to feel like you are worthy of my time—of everyone’s time,” he said.

     The dam broke, and Alec covered his eyes as he began to cry.  He was not loud.  He did not sob.  His breath shuddered brokenly as tears streamed down his face.  Magnus killed the idling engine, unbuckled his seatbelt, and crawled over awkwardly to pull Alec into a hug.  He kissed the top of his feather-soft hair as he wrapped his arms protectively around him.  Alec pressed his forehead into the warm skin of his neck, and Magnus nuzzled him as he rocked him ever so slowly.

     “You’re safe.  You’re loved,” he whispered, over and over, in a slow mantra.

     After a few minutes, Alec began to quiet down and relax again.  When he was ready, he pulled away.

     “’M sorry,” he mumbled.  His nose and eyes were red.  He looked exceedingly vulnerable.

     Magnus smiled at him lovingly.  “It’s no burden to me,” he said.  “How about you say ‘thank you,’ instead?”

     Alec bit his lip, and looked away, frowning.  “I don’t feel like I deserve to say thanks.”

     “You don’t have to magically feel like you do, all of a sudden, just because I said so.  Maybe, you can just try to start catching yourself.  Just trust that your family and I, when we do nice things for you, we do it because we want to.  _We_  obviously see something in you that we want to treat with the love and kindness that you equally give to us.  And we are, none of us, fools.  Right?”

     Alec looked at him in wonder.  “Right,” he said.  He bit his lip, thinking for a moment.  Then he blew out a shaky breath.  “Is it wrong for me to tell you that I missed you?”

     Magnus swallowed hard, and shook his head.  “No,” he whispered.  “Because I missed you, too.”

     Alec leaned forward, resting his forehead against Magnus’s, lips close enough to kiss, though neither of them dared.  He knew he couldn’t.  Shouldn’t.  Right?

     Magnus licked his lips nervously, then finally cleared his throat.  “Let’s get you home,” he said, smiling.  “Sound good?”

     The young man nodded, and Magnus began to extricate himself from where he had managed to cram himself closer to Alec.  “Augh!  How did I get myself into this position?”

     “I think it helps that you’re so flexible,” Alec quipped.

     Magnus did another double take.  The cheekiness of this fellow!

     Chuckling, Magnus returned to his place behind the wheel.  They drove to Alec’s home in amiable silence.  Before saying their goodbyes, Magnus told him to have himself, Jace, and Isabelle ready for pick up the following morning.  He had a surprise in store for them all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is how I have chosen to interpret Magnus's past.
> 
> As I mentioned, I know nothing about the foster care system. I do, however, have friends who have horror stories, either for how they got there, and/or what happened after. I have chosen to draw on that specific brand of violent experiences for Magnus. It is worth mentioning that those friends who have had to pull themselves through and out of hell are some of the kindest, most compassionate people that I have ever met.
> 
> In contrast, I also have friends who grew up in positive foster settings, or who were adopted and deeply loved all their lives. They are also wonders of delight and beauty. Not every foster is a tragedy. I make no judgements here.


	10. It’s Low Impact

     On Sunday morning, Magnus pulled up outside the Lightwood house to find Alec already waiting outside with Jace and Isabelle.  Per his previous instruction, they each wore clothing which could be dirtied; for the two siblings it equated to sleek workout gear that looked to be on its last legs, while Alec was again dressed all in black.  Old habits die hard.  Also, anything he owned with color was brand new, and Magnus would have had to reprimand him if he had opted to use any of those beautiful clothes he had bought for him.

     As the siblings piled into the vehicle, Alec looked around curiously.

     “No crew today?” he asked.

     “They rode with Catarina; they’re going to meet us there,” Magnus said.  He pointed to the dash camera.  “We are recording, though.”

     “Ugh!  I look a mess, though!” Isabelle moaned.

     “Not possible,” both Alec and Magnus said together.  They looked at each other in surprise, and then shared a laugh.

     “That was just eerie, man,” Jace said.  Which only made the two of them laugh harder.

     In the rear-view mirror, Magnus could see Isabelle share a look with Jace.  Isabelle looked surprised and delighted.  Jace appeared cautiously optimistic, but willing to encourage Alec’s strange good mood.

     “So, where are we headed?” Jace asked.

     Magnus pulled them out to the main road and smiled at him in the mirror.  “That’s a surprise, Mr. Herondale,” he said.  “Does anyone need breakfast?  Coffee?”

     After a few indecisive rumblings, Magnus drove them first to a nearby coffee shop to get their caffeine and calories covered.  They were going to need it.  Once everyone had their morning fare in order, they began to travel to the edge of the city.

     “How did you sleep?” Magnus asked.

     Alec looked at him with a half-smile.  “Better than I have in a long time,” he said.

     “Yeah, what wizardry did you work on our Alec, here?” Jace asked.  “He was snoring enough to wake the dead.  He never goes down that heavy.”

     “Hey!” Alec protested.

     “I have no magic, Jace,” Magnus said.  “Actually, it’s Clary with the magic touch.”

     In the mirror, he could see Jace level a venomous look at Alec.  Jealous, eh?

     Alec, too, caught the look and rolled his eyes.  “She’s a massage therapist, dude,” he said.  “Get your mind out of the gutter.”

     “What gutter?  I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I don’t even care.  It’s not a big thing.  Why are you making it into a thing?” Jace began to ramble with increasing energy.

     “Okay, Jace?” Isabelle called for his attention.  “You need to take it down to a seven, hon.”

     “What am I at now?” he asked.

     “Right now, you’re an eleven, and we all agreed we shouldn’t go over a ten, remember?” she said, making hard eye contact with him.

     “Right.  Yes.  Sorry,” he said.  He stared out the window, focusing intently on the passing landscape.  After a few minutes, Alec reached back and placed a hand on his knee without looking, rubbing gently with his thumb.  A few moments later, Jace seemed to calm again and he moved away from Alec’s touch.  Without speaking a word, Alec withdrew his hand and continued to watch the signs they passed as though nothing had happened.

     When Magnus finally signalled his turn, Alec looked over at him suspiciously.

     “Paintball?” he asked.

     “Why yes it is, Alexander,” Magnus said, smiling.  “We have invited some special friends to play today.”

     Alec blinked his ridiculously long eyelashes, and his impressive eyebrows rose.  “Who?”

     “Wait and you’ll see,” he replied cryptically.

     He could see Alec frown in confusion, and he tried not to smile.  The man was so cute when he was serious.  And he was always serious, so…

     When they finally pulled up to the office, they were greeted with the sight of maybe thirty children milling around in excitement.  Next to him, Magnus could see Alec perk up with interest.  Simon and Raphael were at the forefront; Simon happily entertaining a mixed group of youths, while Raphael seemed to have unconsciously gathered a group of stoic children who mimicked his pose, arms crossed, watchful and reserved.  Kids liked Raphael, even if he pretended like he was not partial to them.  He was quiet, demanding, and practical.  What was not to like?  In contrast, Simon was like the Pied Piper of Hamelin, and could lead a small army of kids in anything from a sing-along to a water balloon fight.  In the background of the helter-skelter, Magnus spotted Cat and Clary with their special guest.

     “We’re here!” he said brightly, parking the vehicle well away from the mob.

     They moved to the courtyard in front of the main office, and the adults moved forward to greet each other.

     “Alexander, Jace, Isabelle, may I introduce Luke Garroway, Deputy Chief of the South Precinct,” Magnus said, making introductions.

     Alec’s eyes were wide, clearly not expecting to meet a superior officer.  Jace and Isabelle seemed equally surprised.  Alec shook himself, and held out a hand.  “Sir, it’s an honor to meet you,” he said, his words clipped in an official tone Magnus had ever heard him use.

     Luke, for his part, grinned wide and took his hand and shook it heartily.  He was a beautifully handsome black man, tall and lean, with a bone structure that ought to have gone into modelling.  “A pleasure!” he said.  “But please, it’s a Sunday and we’re off duty.  You can call me Luke.”

     “Yes, sir,” Alec said.  He hesitated, blinked, and then, “I-I-I mean, Luke.”

     As Jace and Isabelle moved to greet Clary’s father, Magnus moved closer to Alec, running a surreptitious finger down the back of his arm.  The wide hazel eyes found his, and he could easily read Alec’s uncertainty.  Not wanting to draw attention to Alec’s nerves, Magnus smiled encouragingly and gave him a slow, easy blink.  Seeming to understand him, Alec nodded and took a deep breath.

     Catarina and Clary wandered up with Simon, leaving poor Raphael to monitor the children.

     Magnus looked at Cat.  “All the waivers and documents signed?” he asked.

     “All covered,” she said.  “Simon and I already have the establishing shots.”

     “Right!” Magnus said, turning on his charm.  “Are we rolling?”

     Simon brought up his camera and gave him the thumbs up.

     “So, Luke, we were hoping we could help out with your outreach group.  Tell us a little about what we’re here for,” Magnus said, smiling brightly at the Deputy Chief.

     Luke glanced at the siblings as he spoke.  “Sure!  I work with kids aged ten to thirteen who have entered the foster system.  It’s a youth group focused on creating opportunities for fun, healthy bonding experiences, and building a positive rapport with law enforcement agents.  Mostly we just want to get them outside and help them to play again.  Some of these kids have been through hell to get here today.”

     Alec loomed over them with a ponderous look.  “If we’re playing paintball…  have any of these kids been previously exposed to gun violence?” he asked tentatively, concern written across his face.

     Luke shook his head.  “These particular kids, no,” he said.  The man could have been offended, but it was clear he appreciated Alec’s care.  “I’m familiar with each of their cases.”

     Alec nodded and fell silent, his eyes following the flow of children.

     “I was hoping that we could split the group and have a little skirmish,” Luke said.

     Jace and Izzy lit up with excitement, clearly ready for anything.  Alec looked curious, but a crooked smile was playing at his lips.  “How are we forming the teams?” he asked.

     “We’ll do a count-off with the kids.  Would one of your siblings care to lead the opposing team?” Luke asked.

     Jace did the adult variation of Hermione Grainger having the answer.  Alec and Isabelle both hid snorts of laughter.  The blond gave them both a withering look, but his point was made.

     “Alright, Jace versus Alec,” Luke said, a sparkle in his dark eyes.  “Clary?  Whose team will you be on?”

     “Uhhh…” Clary made a show of choosing, but Magnus knew her decision before she finally said, “Jace’s.”

     “I’ll be on Alec’s team, with Simon,” Magnus said.

     “Isabelle?” Luke said, looking at the dark-haired woman.

     She grinned.  “I’ll be on Jace’s team, if only to keep him from losing.”

     “Hey!” Jace protested.

     “I’ll cover cameras for Jace’s team,” Raphael said, looking to Isabelle for acceptance.  She laughed and hugged his arm.

     Cat came forward.  “If you’ll be on Alec’s team, Luke, then I’ll step out as an impartial judge,” she said.

     Luke smiled and accepted.  He turned to Alec.  “Just so we’re clear, in this situation, you are going to be the team leader.  I’m here as support, if you need it, but you’re in command of the… uh… troops.”

     They looked out at the sea of pre-teen adolescents.  One of the kids picked its nose and stuck the offending finger in its mouth.  Oh, children.  They were the future.

     Jace laughed at Luke’s assertion.  “Oh, sir, meaning no disrespect, but Alec can handle kids.  They call him in on his days off because he’s the best in the department when it comes to dealing with them.”

     “Shut up, Jace,” Alec muttered.

     Luke looked at Alec, assessing.  “Really?”

     “Yeah!  There was a lost child who wasn’t talking to anyone, and Alec came in, spent ten minutes with him, and we were able to find his mother,” Jace said, clearly proud of his partner.

     “I-It’s nothing special,” Alec said, looking away.

     “Alexander,” Magnus said softly, for Alec’s ears only.  “Remember what I said about trusting those you love?”

     Alec looked at him apprehensively, then nodded.  “Right.  Yeah.  Well, sir, it would be a pleasure to work with you in any capacity,” he said, changing his tack to gracious acceptance, breezing past Jace’s praise.

     Luke looked intrigued, but chose not to press the point further.  Instead, he called for the children to line up and count off by ones and twos.  All the ones went with Jace, and the twos joined Alec.

     “Alright everyone, we’re going to take fifteen minutes to gear up an make a game plan, and then we’re on the field!” Luke announced.

     All the children seemed excited, and they quickly fell to collecting the necessary equipment.  When they had finally gathered in their team hideout, Alec directed them to line up.  There were fifteen kids altogether, and none of them seemed interested in Simon and his camera.  All eyes tracked their leader.

     “Alright, listen up,” Alec said, his voice clear and authoritative, “we’re going to cover a few safety basics.”

     It was a surprisingly brief, but comprehensive talk about gun safety without dealing with real guns.  Magnus actually learned something, padded in body armor from head to toe as he was.  He was mindful to keep the barrel of his paintball gun pointed to the ground, and kept his finger off the trigger.  Alec, as he spoke, was… uhff, well he was really hot.  He was strong and direct, somehow managing to keep the kids’ interest without killing the fun.

     “Now, we do this safety stuff,” Alec said at last, “so we don’t accidentally hit each other.  We don’t want to give the other team any advantages, do we?”

     The kids let out a chorus of denials.

     “Alright, if I know Jace, he’s going to divide his team and string them out to cover more ground,” Alec mused.  He rubbed his chin in thought, then looked to his group.  “Okay, kids.  We’re going to do a test.”

     Magnus stood between Luke and Simon, curious what this would lead up to.

     “It’s basically like ‘Simon Says’—Sorry, Simon—I want you to follow my directions as quick as you can,” he said.  He barked out a series of challenges, including ‘hop on one foot,’ ‘stick out your tongue,’ and ‘do the BlocBoy JB’ which threw some of the kids for a loop.  When only a few kids responded to the last, he picked out the three kids who had acted quickly.

     “You, you, and you,” Alec said, pointing, “You’re my Blue Squad.  I want you guys to wait over there.”

     The three kids looked at each other, shrugged, and followed his direction.

     “Now, of those left, who here is the fastest?” he asked.

     Eleven hands shot into the air.  The twelfth child, a pretty little girl with caramel coloring and a mane of curly hair, was pointing at one of the other children.  Alec looked at her.

     “You,” he said, his voice warm and inviting, “what’s your name?”

     “Madzie,” the little girl said softly.

     “Okay, Madzie, you’re with me,” Alec said.  He beckoned her to his side.  “Who were you pointing to?”

     “Mel,” she said.  “He’s the fastest one.”

     Alec nodded approvingly and called out the boy.  “Okay, Mel, you’re going to be leading the Green Squad.  Madzie, pick the next two fastest kids.”

     She did, and the three Green Squad kids shuffled out of the lineup.

     “Now, who left here thinks they have the best aim?” he said.

     The kids were less quick to volunteer on principle, now that they were curious where this was going.  One of the girls raised her hand.

     “I’m Tessa,” she said.

     “You scared of heights, Tessa?” Alec asked her.

     She shook her head.

     “Good.  You’ve got a job,” he said.  “Now, Madzie, which of these kids here would make the best guard?”

     She looked at the eager faces, and picked out one of the taller children.

     “Awesome!  Okay, the rest of you are in teams of three, Red and Gold Squad,” he said.  “Everybody, listen up!  Madzie, you and your guard here are in charge of protecting the base.  You are the last line of defense, so you need to keep watch.”

     She nodded, and took up a position with her fellow guard.

     “Tessa with the good aim, I saw a crow’s nest up on the roof.  You’re gonna go up there, and take shots at anyone you can see on the opposing team.  You’re our sniper.  Does that make sense?” he said.

     Their new sniper nodded excitedly.

     “Blue Squad, you are all quick thinking.  I need the three of you to make a mess of things and distract Jace’s team.  I need the three of you to be six people.  You’re going to be loud.  You’re going to get messy.  You’re going to confuse everybody.  Can you do that?”

     He was met with three very impish grins, and a chorus of delighted affirmations.  He then looked at Magnus.

     “Magnus, you’re going to lead Gold Squad; I’ll lead Red Squad.  We are going to flank Jace’s team.  There’s a lot of forested areas around, so if we move quietly, using the trees as cover, we can probably take out the outer edges of the opposition, then move our way in.  Does that make sense?” he said.

     Magnus felt his stomach do a little flip.  When he had brainstormed this idea with Cat and Clary, he had not expected to have a job once the pellets started to fly.  But seeing Alec, in full command of himself and the situation… wow, that was… yeah, it was hot.  He felt himself aching to obey, if only to impress his one-time lover.

     “Perfect sense,” he said smoothly.  Alec must have seen some apprehension in his eyes, because he smiled at him encouragingly.  Magnus was just so very proud of himself for not drooling.

     “Fantastic!  Luke, you and Green Squad are the strike team.  You’ve got the fastest kids.  I want you to go wide around the skirmish, and come at them from behind.  You kids, you stay out of sight until Luke gives you the go ahead, and then you take that enemy base.  If we have done our jobs, you should have a good chance.  You go in aggressive, show no mercy.  Sounds good?” he said.

     Luke and the Green Squad acknowledged.  Magnus glanced at Luke.  The man wore a stoic expression, but his eyes shone with interest.  Magnus smiled to himself, and joined his three wards.  Simon waved at him, and gave him the ‘what do I do?’ shrug.  He nodded over to Alec, indicating that Simon should follow him.

     Alec turned to Simon.  “Normally, I would put you with Blue Squad, but I don’t know what you need to do… if you have to film or anything.”

     Simon looked excited enough to wet himself, and he looked hopefully at Magnus.  “I can give Cat the camera,” he said.

     Magnus rolled his eyes.  “Fine!  You’ll be in your element,” he said.

     Alec grinned as Simon leapt for joy and joined the Blue Squad.

     It struck Magnus then that Alec had come up with a battle plan and organized the children effectively in less than fifteen minutes.  All of the kids seemed to be excited about their roles.  Little Madzie stood in front of their team’s goal post, looking calm and determined.  Simon was already joking around with his squad.  He turned to his group.

     “You ready for this, Gold?” he asked.

     “Hell yeah!” one of the kids said.

     “Kwasi, language!” another chided him.

     A clarion sounded three short bursts overhead.

     “Alright, team, that means we’re about to begin.  Remember, it’s low impact paintball, but it can still sting.  Try not to get hit.  Look out for your teammates.  Work together, and have fun!” Alec called his final command.

     The final siren rang out, and suddenly everyone was moving.

     “This was a terrible idea!” Magnus cried to himself, and he leapt out of their base with his squad.  What had Alec said?  “Kwasi, where do we go?”

     “Around the side!” the kid shouted.

     There was a series of pops from the trees and a series of low walls, and a paint pellet struck the ground inches from Magnus’s feet. He let out an exclamation of surprise.

     “Go!  Go!  Go!” he called to Gold Squad.

     They bolted for the cover of the trees.  He kept pace with his team, and they entered the brush, panting.  He could see through their visors that their eyes were wide, but their giggles let him believe that they were all unscathed.  He had never been in charge of something so daring as this.  Magnus controlled chaos for a living, but the siren and the flying pellets gave him a whole new perspective on madness.  He forced himself to take a calming breath.  Alec was counting on him.  He looked across the battlefield to see if he could catch a glimpse of him through the trees.  Simon and the Blue Squad were raising a ruckus on the front lines.  Simon had them chanting childish taunts at anyone of Jace’s team they spotted breaking cover.  One taunt caused a member of Jace’s team to leap up to make a heroic stand for their honor, but they were suddenly hit by one of Tessa’s paintballs.  As their first ‘casualty’ walked off the field, Magnus could hear Jace shouting for the team to remain steady.  Then, there was a flicker in the trees, and he thought he caught a glimpse of Alec’s tall form flit behind the bole of a large oak.

     “Okay, Gold, let’s get in there,” Magnus said in a hushed voice.  “Remember, Alec said to try to move quietly.  Use the trees to hide.”

     The kids nodded and they began to move in closer.  With the majority of the opposing team’s attention focused on Blue Squad, Magnus and his troupe were able to move in close enough to ambush a cluster of kids overseen by Clary.  He looked to each of his kids and they shared a nod before breaking cover to fire.  Clary let out a squawk, and she and her wards were doused in fluorescent green paint.  The other team were good sports, surrendering and walking off.  There was a commotion somewhere ahead, and Magnus motioned for his kids to move in with him.  As they rounded one of the dummy structures, he saw Alec taking down Raphael and another set of kids.  His heart soared at seeing Alec unmarked, and he waved to him.

     Alec saw him, gave him a thumbs-up, and then held up a finger for silence.  They were near the enemy base.  He made a series of gestures, and Magnus easily understood that he was to take Gold Squad around one side of the base, while Red Squad went around the other.  He tossed in one more motion that indicated that Magnus should be watchful of guards.  It was surprising how effectively communicative the man could be without words.  Magnus nodded his understanding, and motioned to Gold Squad.

     As they crept around the side of the structure, Magnus took a peek around the corner… and nearly took a pellet to the helmet.  He snapped back, and looked at his troupe.

     “There’s at least one watching for us,” Magnus said.  “Seems a little trigger-happy.”

     “What should we do?” Kwasi asked.

     Magnus thought frantically.  This was all so exciting; it was hard to think.  “What would you do?” he asked.

     “I think someone should run out, and then, when they watch us running, another one of us jumps out and takes him down,” Kwasi said.

     “Do you watch a lot of action movies, by any chance?” Magnus asked curiously.

     He was answered with a happy nod.

     “Okay then,” he said.  “That sounds like a good plan.  I’ll go, and I’ll draw their fire.”

     “Wait!” Kwasi said.  “You can’t go!”

     “What?  Why not?” he asked.

     “Well… if… if you go, who will lead our squad?” the kid asked, looking suddenly anxious.

     Magnus felt his heart wrench as he recognized the child’s fear of losing the protection of someone older and (hopefully) wiser.  He had experienced that enough to understand the acuteness of the pain intricately.  He also knew, though, that any child who had faced the foster system at this age had to be resilient and brave.

     “Kwasi,” he said gently, “you’ve been doing most of the leading here.  You can do this.  I will try not to get hit, but you already know what to do.  You’ve got this.  Okay?”

     The kid looked like he wanted to protest, but nodded.  Brave as hell.  Shit.  When he had come up with this plan for paintball, he had not expected to be faced with a younger version of himself.

     “Alright,” Magnus said, swallowing around a sudden hard lump in his throat.  “I’m going to draw their fire, and then you take ‘em out.”

     He waited a beat, and then began to make a mad dash from cover.  He was just a little too slow, though, and he felt a sharp pinch in his ribs as a paint pellet marked his torso with a spray of fluorescent pink.  He dove behind a tree, but he knew he was out of this round. Looking over his shoulder, he saw Kwasi and the rest of Gold take out the hitter.  Kwasi stopped to stare at him, and Magnus waved.

     “Go on, kid!” he said.

     From the other side of the structure, he could hear Alec’s voice calling.  “Go, Green, go!”

     Magnus looked up to see, as if from nowhere, Luke and his sprinters emerge from the forest at top speed.  And then, within seconds, a loud signal went off.  Alec’s team had won.

     In the final tally, both Magnus and Simon had gone down in the skirmish, along with two of the kids from Blue Squad.  Alec surveyed the damage with his mouth pressed in a thin line, but he nodded his understanding.  His hazel eyes hovered over Magnus’s ribs, clearly unhappy at the splash of color there.  By way of comparison, every single member of Jace’s team, except for Jace himself, had succumbed to Alec’s team.  The kids on Alec’s team gathered around him, excitedly recounting their bravest moments.  He listened with a gentle smile on his face, fully engaged in their experience.

     As Clary and Simon began to dramatically reenact their death scenes to each other, Magnus wandered up to Luke.  He could see Cat nearby, and knew she was cuing in on him.

     “So, Luke, how did our Alec do?” Magnus asked.

     Luke, who had been watching Alec closely with the kids, turned to him.  “Highly impressive,” he said, his voice sounding pensive.  “Very impressive, indeed.”

     “What makes it impressive, exactly?” Magnus said, noting Cat moving for a better angle on Luke.

     “Well, for one, he managed to get the kids to listen to him; that’s a feat in itself,” the man laughed.  “More to the point, he led without force.  He listened to the opinions of the smallest members on his team, because they knew each other better than he knew them.  He played to their strengths.  He made them feel important.  He gave clear instructions.  He stopped to talk about safety!  It was pared down, but it was actual talking points for gun safety.  And before we even started, he was thinking of their well-being by asking if anything like this could be triggering for any of these kids.  Just, overall, I am very impressed.”

     “Are you aware that he’s applied for a Sergeant’s position?” Magnus asked.

     Luke rubbed a hand along his jaw.  “No, I wasn’t,” he said.  “I knew they were moving Hodge up, but I haven’t had a chance to start looking through the applications.”

     Magnus’s eyebrows rose.  “Oh!  Are you… Are you reviewing the applicants?”  He felt his stomach twist, hoping he had not created a conflict of interest.

     “Several of us are,” Luke said.  “Don’t worry, I won’t have to recuse myself or anything.  Everyone has their favorites, but we will look for the best candidate overall.  Meeting someone once and working with them won’t create an unfair advantage in this situation.  Although, it does inform my opinion of him, having seen Alec in action.”

     Magnus relaxed a little.  “Thank you so much for coming out,” he said.  “It means a lot to us.”

     “Anything for a little father-daughter time,” Luke said.  “You guys are on the road so much, sometimes it feels like I don’t get to see her for months.”

     Magnus smiled.  “Well, I’m giving her the night off,” he said.  “Maybe you two can catch up.”

     The man just shook his head with a smile.  “Apparently she has a date,” he said.  He glanced over at Jace, who was grumpy at having lost, but still laughing as he roughhoused with some of the more aggressive kids.

     “Ah, yes,” Magnus said.  “The perils of fatherhood, so I hear.”

     “Yep,” Luke said ruefully.  “I used to be somebody.  Now I’m somebody’s dad.”  His tone told Magnus that he could not have been prouder of the truth in that statement.

     Magnus excused himself and moved off to gather himself.  He was always a little mystified by the idea of fatherhood.  His own father had abandoned him and his mother before he was four years old.  He had the vague memory of someone huge, and angry, a loud sound that might have been the timbre of his voice, but that was all he could recall.  He had always felt a strange emptiness in him when he saw fathers doting on their children.  It was not necessarily jealousy; it was just a want.  The wish for something he never had, and couldn’t picture now as an adult.  He wondered what it would feel like, but knew it was an experience that was beyond his ken.  He had made peace with that blank space in his life a long time ago, but sometimes it still ached.

     The day had actually brought up a lot of old feelings for him.  He was going to have to unpack them at some point, look at them, dust them off, and put them back into their mental boxes.  He sighed.  Across the playfield, Alec’s head rose from his conversation with the kids, and he looked around until he spotted Magnus.  He murmured something to the children, and broke away from them to move to his side.

     “You okay?” Alec asked, his eyes boring into Magnus.

     Magnus was surprised at being caught like this.  With his feelings exposed and uncontrolled.  He was usually a master at hiding them, as he never wanted to taint his clients’ experiences.  But this was Alec.  And his senses were uncanny.

     “I’m fine,” he said, with his patent Inside & OUT host’s smile.

     Alec was unconvinced.  “You don’t seem fine,” he said.

     Magnus huffed a breath and looked away.  He did not feel that lying would be productive, for either of them.  So, he changed the subject.  “Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?” he asked.

     Alec looked around conspiratorially, and lowered his voice.  “You mean… like with cameras?” he said.

     Magnus laughed.  “No, I mean just with me,” he said.  “After we do the interviews.”

     Alec licked his lips, thinking.  If he only knew how sinful he could make that look.  He came to a conclusion and then nodded.  “I would like that,” he said.

     Magnus had to fight the urge to reach out and stroke his face.  It was difficult, because there was something about Alec that begged for his touch.  And maybe Magnus needed it, too.  He was a very tactile creature.  Instead he grinned at him.  “I love how you think the offer through every time,” he said.  “It’s cute to watch the wheels turning.”

     Alec looked confused, but his mouth quirked upwards.  “You’re not going to make a joke about a hamster wheel, are you?” he asked.

     That caused Magnus to blink in surprise.  “No, I meant like a clock, with all those cogs and gears,” he said.

     Alec made a poor show of hiding his pride at that comparison.  How many people had joked about his brain being a sad little rodent running restlessly to nowhere?  How often had he believed them?

     “You were fantastic today, Alexander,” he said.  When the man began to shake his head, Magnus took his hand, wanting to convey the truth.  “Really.  That was amazing.  You were so confident, so decisive.  You had a plan.  It was really something to see.”

     “Yeah, but you got shot,” he said, regret in his voice.

     “Not actually, though!” Magnus said.  “I’m fine!  Actually, I’m more than fine; I thought paintball was supposed to really hurt.”

     “It’s the low-impact paint pellets.  They have significantly less force, and they’re smaller,” Alec said.  He cocked his head slightly.  “You didn’t think they’d give the full impact paintball guns to children, did you?”

     Magnus laughed and shrugged.  “I honestly have no idea; I had Clary arrange it with her father,” he said.  “I’ve never even considered doing anything like this before.”

     “Well, the regular paintballs hurt like a bee sting.  You might still have a bruise, though,” he mused.  His eyes raked over Magnus’s torso, still caged in his gear.

     Would you like to check and see, he wanted to ask, but thought better of it.  So many opportunities to flirt, wasted!

     Clary came running up then, to tell them that the kids wanted to play one more round before they had to leave.  Alec grinned at Magnus, and motioned with his head.  The next round had a different game plan than the previous, and the fight was longer, more heated.  It was by the skin of their teeth, but Alec’s team managed to win again.


	11. Interviews

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of interviews

     Alec watched Catarina warily as she fussed with something on the camera.  He did not feel particularly inclined to talk to her, but Magnus had come to explain that she was conducting the interview.  Apparently, she usually conducted them, partly because she garnered different responses from the ‘clients,’ and partly to give Magnus time to plan… whatever it was that he did.  He could see the logic in it; he was not very fond of her, and therefore had no interest in trying to impress her.  He just did not like being in the same room as someone who had made Magnus so unhappy.

     When she seemed satisfied with her work, Catarina sat down in the chair angled slightly away from the camera to ensure that he did not make eye contact with it.  She smiled at Alec, a gesture that he returned with a weak curve to his lips before he licked them and looked away.

     “Alright, Alec, before we begin, I want to tell you something,” she said.  “Off camera.”

     Alec looked at her, eyebrows raised in expectation. He knew he was being obstinate, and they had not even begun.

     “I have been friends with Magnus for several years,” she said.  “God, almost twenty, actually.”

     Alec did not see the point of the admission, so said nothing.

     She noticed his reticence with a raised eyebrow. “I have seen him through a lot of hard times,” she continued.  “I have seen him through quite a few breakups.  And every time he thought to take up with someone new, I tried to be supportive.  But I was supportive when there were some fairly toxic individuals in his life, poisoning his ear and playing with his heart.  And I was there to take care of him when that individual broke his heart. It wasn’t pretty.”

     She spoke with a gravity that made Alec pay attention.  From her tone, he could tell that she was still very angry with the person who had broken Magnus’s heart.  Alec could relate to that, if he was honest.  He was pretty sure he would be happy to punish anyone who hurt the man he… well… he loved.

     “So, when he waltzed into my office, six months ago, and told me that he met an angel, I just rolled my eyes and thought, ‘here we go again,’” she said.  “Except he didn’t know your real name, or where you were from, and you had disappeared off the face of the Earth.  That was fine, except I could tell it wasn’t.  He would be over for dinner, and then just end up staring out the window and sighing like a wistful girl in one of those bodice-ripper romances. Okay?  So, I knew he had it bad for you.”

     Alec was now giving her his full attention. This was very interesting.

     “When I saw your case file, truly, you touched my heart,” she said.

     “What?” he said, confused.  What had he done?  He didn’t even know his siblings had signed him up for this until the day before the crew came a-calling.

     “Don’t be so shocked,” she said.  “Alec, what I do for Inside & OUT is find the people who need to understand the depth of love that surrounds them.  I find them, and I pick them, because I know Magnus, and I know he has the skills to love and teach love.  I know the right ones when I see them.  You were so high on the list, I have literally been waiting for this episode for months, counting down the days until I could reasonably put it on our schedule.  Because you, on paper, are a wonderful human being, who has been dealt a pretty shitty hand, and you haven’t seen past what other people have done or said to you. What I did not count on was your previous relations with Magnus.”

     Here Alec felt his jaw lock up again.  He knew it was a tell when he was being stubborn, avoiding something.  He could see her recognizing the action, and he had to look away.

     “The thing about producing a show like this, is that it puts exposure on all parties, Alec.  As soon as Magnus admitted what happened to me, all I could remember were the vicious nasties that I have sat back and watched walk over my darling boy’s heart.”  Alec scowled at her, hating her implication, despite the fact that he could understand it completely.  “Some of those heartbreaks were pretty public.  And while you’re wonderful on paper, we have been burned before, and I just… I had to ensure that you were a willing party.  I don’t want you to have this experience and come back with the intent to ruin what Magnus has built for himself.”

     “You were worried I would turn around and point a finger and say, ‘he took advantage of me,’” Alec said.

     “Exactly,” she said.  “I don’t know you well enough now, and I certainly didn’t yesterday, to know that you wouldn’t use it against him.  At least I have my assurance documented, and your own reaction to my fear, when I expressed it… Well, I could see you were appalled.  And that makes me feel a lot better.”

     Alec could feel a couple muscles between his neck and shoulders begin to soften.

     “I just need you to understand that, as confident as he seems,” Catarina said, her brown eyes boring into Alec’s, “Magnus is a fragile heart.  And you are not allowed to crush him.”

     His respect for her was growing, in spite of himself.  He nodded.

     “If you hurt him, I will not forgive you,” she said, her voice hard, cold.

     He could not help but grin.  “At least on that we can agree,” he said.  “I can respect that.”

     “Good!” she said.  “Now, shall we get to the interview?”

 

* * *

 

INTERVIEW – CATARINA & ALEC

 

CATARINA (C): Tell me about where you grew up.

ALEC (A): I grew up here.  Never really got that far out of town.

C:  You grew up in a family home?

A: Y-yeah, with M-mom and-and Dad, yes. And Izzy, of course.

C:  And… Jace?

A:  Yeah, we took Jace in when he and I were about ten. He’s been my brother ever since.

C:  Was it a happy time, growing up?

A:  Uh… er… Not… exactly.

C:  Can you phrase that as a sentence?  Maybe include the question.

A:  It… it wasn’t… exactly… a happy home to grow up in.

C:  Why was that?

A:  Well… M-mom and Dad… th-they were—Fuck!

C:  It’s okay, Alec… What’s wrong?

A:  It’s the s-stupid stutter.  I sound like a fucking idiot.

C:  You don’t sound like an idiot, Alec.  Trust me.  Why don’t we talk about it?  Have you always had a stammer?

A: W-w…when I was a kid, I d-did for a while.

C:  For a while?  Did you get help?

A:  I went to a speech therapist.  I managed to train myself out of it.

C:  When did it come back?

A:  …

C: Alec?  You okay?

A:  …. Sorry!  Uh… y-uh… t-two… a-about t-two years ago.

C:  Can I ask—

A: --I-I-I r-really d-don’t want to t-talk ab-bout it.

C:  I gather it was pretty traumatic.

A:  …

C:  Alec… I have several files on you.  I know that’s about the time that you were injured in the line of duty.

A:  …

C:  Did your parents know?  That you were injured?

A:  … Izzy told them.

C:  Did they ever visit you in the hospital?

A:  N-not that I ev-ever knew.  M-maybe, b-but, if they did, n-no one s-s-said anything.

C:  I see.  Did anyone ever talk to you about psychogenic stuttering?

A:  If they did, I don’t remember it.

C:  Did you have the stutter in the hospital?  Or while you were in recovery?

A:  I already s-said I don’t want to t-talk about this.  C-can we talk about something else?

C:  How about you tell me why your home wasn’t happy growing up?

A: B-because M-mom and Dad were very demanding, and-and I w-was a terrible son.  As soon as Jace was adopted, they started p-praising him for every little thing, and I suddenly… suddenly realised that it _was_  possible to g-get… get s-something right, and I just… I just never could do it.  There was something w-wrong with me.

C:  Alec, I hope you can understand that I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with you.  I know that you have told yourself that’s the truth, but—

A: --Look, my parents knew I was gay before I did.  I’m pretty sure.  And I-I think they were hoping that I w-would g-grow out of it, or something.  I don’t know.  It’s like it’s the one thing… the one thing I couldn’t do right, and e-everything else I did was… t-tainted.  Okay? I tried to…  I tried…

C:  …

A:  …

C:  Take your time.

A:  I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

 

INTERVIEW ENDS

 

* * *

 

INTERVIEW – MAGNUS & JACE

 

Magnus (M): What was it like when you came to live with the Lightwoods?

Jace (J): Uh… Well, I was ten.  It was weird.  New house.  Other kids. It was a big change.

M:  How did you come to live with them?

J:  I thought we were s’posed to be talking about Alec.

M:  I’m just curious.  Your experience must be colored by your years before and after that move.

J: Yeah…  I was taken away from my dad.  I guess it’s weird when your parent tries to kill you.

M:  Oddly enough, it is.  I’m not unfamiliar with those circumstances.

J: Really?

M:  Yes, well… so you came from a bad situation, and the Lightwoods took you in.  What was your first impression of Alec?

J:  Oh my god, I had never met anyone so uptight in my life— and I used to get beaten for hitting a wrong note in ‘La Campanella.’ Like, at ten, he was a forty-year-old accountant who’d seen too much.  Right?  Just rigid.  _Loved_  the rules. Like he loved them so much he wanted to marry them.

M (laughing): Did you get along with him at all?

J:  I didn’t get along with anyone at first. But… I dunno, I was a little shit to him, but he seemed to see through it.  Like he was waiting for me to get over myself, and then he was waiting on the other side of all the insanity with a hug and a mug of hot cocoa.  He’s always been like that.  I don’t know how or why, but he somehow manages to be the calm, logical anchor that keeps me centered.

M:  It sounds like you value him.

J:  Are you kidding?  I love him.  I might literally be dead without him.  And that’s no joke.  That’s why it kills me that he’s so unhappy, and we—well, Izzy, really—hatched this crazy plan to have you come out.

M:  Why do you think she wanted us to come for Alec?

J:  Look, none of us are very good at knowing what to do for each other.  For all that Mr. and Mrs. Lightwood did their best to instill a strong work ethic, competitive nature, and a—possibly neurotic— need to over-achieve, I don’t think their forte was ever in the… the huggy stuff.  Y’know, the… (gesturing incomprehensibly)

M: Self-care?  Self-esteem?  Compassion?

J:  Yeah, like all that.  I think Alec was really a fluke.  Like he’s got all the things they wanted for him, with the ethics and the ‘chievos, just he’s got that little something extra.  They never knew what to do with that.

M:  Do you think you and Isabelle might also be struggling a bit?

J:  … I… Look, Izzy has a healthy amount of self-respect, and I, at least, know I’m the best at what I do.  Do we all struggle?  Yeah.  But at least Izzy and I know how to have fun.

M:  Alec seemed to have fun today, didn’t he?

J (scoffs): Oh yeah, he’s in his element organizing tactical assaults with green recruits.  Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past him to actually have fun doing that… And no, today was competition, and he trounced me—the bastard.

M:  Hey, that’s not—

J:  No, don’t get me wrong.  I love him; we just usually never go up against each other because it’s not a good idea.  Too competitive.  We had to make a general rule to always be on the same side, usually, or we get really pissy at each other.  One-on-one, in a fight, I always win, unless I’m feeling generous.  But in planning, he almost always wins.  If you’d given him time and the right opportunity out there today, he would have reorchestrated the Brécourt Manor Assault.

M:  I can’t say I’m familiar with…

J:  Don’t worry about it.  It happened in World War II.  Alec’s a nerd for those kinds of things.  History.  Law. You know, he reads law books for fun? Like, when he wants to wind down from a long day of upholding the law, he goes home to read about more law!  Or else he’s making spreadsheets.  I think he’s the kind of guy who really likes discovering new formulas to use in Excel.  You laugh, but I’m serious.  Anyway, yeah, I think he enjoyed himself out there, but I also think he would be happy doing that as part of his job, too.

M:  Oh.

J: Oh—No, I didn’t mean… It was really good!  Like, he _was_   having fun! I could tell, he was in his element, in control.  He smiles so much more when you’re around.  Like, Friday night?  When you guys came over for the barbecue?  That was the first time I heard him laugh in two years.  So, obviously you’re doing something right.

M:  Two years… Right… Jace, can you tell me what happened?  Two years ago?

J:  … Uh… Do we have to talk about that?

M: Today’s the ‘some other day’ you promised, isn’t it?

J: Yeah.  Yeah.  … Uh…

M:  What happened, Jace?  It’s okay.

J:  Just… We were on duty.  We got a hot call.  Neighbors heard gunshots.

M:  …

J:  I went around back.  Alec… I found… I was around back.  I heard shouting.  And a gunshot.  Then another, and the sounds of a struggle.  And I was already running, but I got there...  Alec had him pinned, and I got the guy in handcuffs… But Alec was shot. He… He lost a lot of blood.

M:  …

J:  The man killed his kid in front of him.  The kid was maybe eight?  Nine?  Alec would remember… And he didn’t say anything.  Alec, when they put him on the stretcher.  He didn’t say anything.  Didn’t talk for days.  They had some problems… with the bleeding.  It was bad for a while.  But, we uh… we got him back.  But he still didn’t talk… it was almost two weeks.  The doctors said it could be the pain meds or something, but…

M:  … Did you ride with him to the hospital?

J:  I did.  Yeah.  I… I kept pressure on the wound, while they tried to put blood back into him.

M (clears throat):  That must have been very frightening.

J:  I have never been more scared of anything in my whole life.  I’ve never been afraid of dying.  But up to that point, I… I hadn’t even considered that Alec could…

M: …

J:  …

M:  We can take a minute, if you need.  It’s okay.

J:  … They didn’t even come to the hospital…

M:  Who didn’t come?

J:  Our parents.  Izzy called them, when she found out that Alec had… had been shot. They never showed.

M:  …

J:  Until that moment, I think I’d really thought Alec… like, he might have been being dramatic.  I thought… Y’know, I thought he was the one putting up the walls.

M:  … I’m sorry, I’m… I’m not usually this unprofessional.

J:  It’s okay.  It hit me and Izzy like that, too.

M:  When did Alec start talking again?

J:  Like I said, it was about two weeks.  And it was because we needed to take his statement. He went back to being quiet after that. He came out of it eventually, but he never wanted to talk about what happened.  He went to the mandatory psych stuff.  He’s good at keeping it together when he needs to.  I think he might be smarter than most of the health staff, actually.  It’s easy to fool them if you know the answers they want to hear.

M:  Did Alec lie to pass his psych evaluation before returning to duty?

J:  Oh no.  Alec is a shit liar.  He can’t do it.  But I wouldn’t recommend ever playing poker with him.  He keeps those cards close to the chest, and you will never find a tell.

M:  What about his stuttering?  Isn’t that a tell?

J:  I told you, it only comes when he’s really nervous or upset, or something hits too close to painful and he can’t control it. But he can keep his shit on lockdown if he needs to.  He’s had to go up in front of a judge and jury to give his account of that incident. I watched him.  He goes blank, and it’s like he’s not even there. Robo-Alec.  I bet he doesn’t even remember giving it, but I promise you, the account was flawless.

M: Interesting.  Jace, I want to thank you for sharing that with me.  I know it can’t have been easy to relive that.

J: Pfft!  I’m fine.

M:  I can see that.  But it would also be alright if you weren’t.  Trauma like that leaves scars on everyone involved.

J:  … Yeah…

M:  I think… I think that’s enough for today, Jace. I really appreciate you taking the time to speak with me.  This helps me—us to understand what we’re working with.

J: Sure.  Any time.

 

INTERVIEW ENDS

 

* * *

 

INTERVIEW – ISABELLE & RAPHAEL

 

Raphael (R): So, you are a CSI with the East Precinct.

Isabelle (I): Yes, I am.

R:  Do you get to work with Alec and Jace on the job?

I:  Not that much.  I work in areas where a crime has occurred.  If it’s a good day, they get to prevent crimes from happening. But sometimes we cross paths in the field.

R:  How did all three of you end up getting into your respective careers?

I:  I think it was mostly Jace’s idea.  He always had a fascination with law enforcement after all the stuff that went down before he joined our family.  I think he saw the police officers as heroes, and he kinda has a hero complex.

R:  And Alec just followed him into it?

I:  Not exactly… He was supposed to go to Princeton to become a lawyer or banker; something my parents would have approved of. When he came out to them, though, I’m not exactly sure what they said…  But I think they gave him the impression that he was, uh… I guess you could say ‘damned.’

R: Damned?  As in fire, brimstone?  … Is your family religious?

I:  Oh, absolutely.  We went to church every Sunday and most major holidays.  Sang a few songs.  Thumped a few Bibles.  My parents’ version of that whole holy scene did not include the ‘loving thy neighbor,’ part, I guess.  They get pretty selective about what will and will not get you booted out of Heaven. They’re judgy like that.

R:  Isn’t there supposed to be something about ‘judging not lest you be judged?’

I:  Yeah, but c’mon, that never stopped anyone, did it?

R:  I suppose not.  And… do you and Alec still follow…?

I: Meh.  I believe in science.  I also believe in miracles, but… Not enough to qualify that as a godly thing. Sometimes it’s just data points that you haven’t collected that could explain the unexplainable.  I guess I would say I’m a highly skeptical agnostic.

R:  And Alec?

I:  Oh, he took a hard left at ex-religious atheism and never looked back.  More power to him.  I wish I had his conviction.

R:  So, if he’s an atheist, why do you think he felt like he was damned?

I: Mostly because I could hear them yelling it at him, that he was going to Hell.  I don’t think he believed in Hell at that point, but he was pretty hurt by that. And they’re not really the warm and fuzzy kind of parents, either.  I think they groomed him, even more than me, to believe that he was worthless.  So I think, at least unconsciously, he still thinks everything they said was true.

R:  You were groomed?  To believe you were…?

I: Worthless.  Yeah.  My parents tried that with me, but they didn’t expected their sweet little girl to be smart enough to see through their bullshit.  Mom and Dad are low level politicians and entrepreneurs.  They’re basically narcissists, and I think I caught on to that when I was about… er… seven?  Eight?

R:  You knew what a narcissist was at eight-years-old?

I:  I didn’t have the word for it, but you catch on to things.  I am very intelligent, and highly observant.  I am also capable of setting emotion aside to analyse a situation.  I have always been good at it.  I caught on to their subtle put-downs and minimisations, and I figured that I just had to rely on myself for validation.  Alec was not as good at not needing their approval.

R:  Why do you think that is?

I:  Hm… Well, he was the first born, so there was all this expectation heaped on him.  I think Mom and Dad had his life and career planned out for him before he was out of my mother’s womb.  I think if he’d had even an ounce of the personality they’d picked out for him, they might have given him a break.  But he came out a highly sensitive, deeply supportive, caring individual, and they couldn’t forgive that, so they doubled down and pushed him past the point where any normal kid would have broken.  (laughs) I got away with so much shit in comparison.  Because, y’know, I was a girl, and I wasn’t going to be good for much beyond finding a husband and whelping a few offspring.

R: Jesus.

I:  Yeah, well.  At least Daddy spoiled me.  Anyway, so, expectations were really imbalanced when it came to me and Alec. I think he saw Dad’s favoritism and thought that maybe there was something he could do to win the approval for himself.  It just never happened.  And then Jace came along, and all of a sudden Mom is just so proud of her new handsome, cunning son.  At that point, Alec lost any chance for their approval.  Anyways, so when they kicked him out of the house—

R: --Wait, they kicked him out?

I:  Oh yeah, they did.  He had just turned eighteen, so he was a legal adult. Perfect time to set him out on his own. No one could criticize them and tell them they were bad parents.  Anyway, all this leads up to the fact that… well… I think he thought that he had something to make up for.  And Jace used to always talk about how he was going to become a policeman and be a hero when he finished school.  I think Alec just wanted to be a hero, too.  … And I think the little rebellious part of his soul wanted to take a plebeian job just to piss off our parents.

R:  A plebeian job?

I: Yeah.  Didn’t you know?  The Lightwoods are loaded.  Like, we owned horses.  Pure-bred Arabians, if that tells you anything.

R:  … It does.

I:  And I think we have a yacht somewhere.

R:  Got it.

I:  So, he was supposed to be a hotshot lawyer, not someone who actually mingles with the commoners on a daily basis.

R: Wow.  That’s…

I: Gross.  Right?  Yeah, they’re special.  Whether he admits to it or not, I think Alec likes the fact that he chose a career so far outside their expectations.

R: Huh.  And what about you?

I:  I always knew I wanted a career in science. And I think my brothers’ love for the justice system rubbed off on me, and that’s why I went into forensics. Why not do science _and_  solve crimes?

R: Absolutely.  Uh, so… I may have gotten off track.  Regarding your brother...  I know you have expressed that he likes his job, wants to be a hero, but… I understand panic attacks like what we saw on Friday are… are they not related to the stress of the job?  Has he always had them?

I:  … I would say that events surrounding a job-related injury ultimately triggered the panic attacks.  And no, he has not always had them.  Although it would’ve been totally understandable if he had.

R:  What kind of events?

I:  My brother was shot when he and Jace were called to a domestic disturbance.  There had been reports of shouting, and a neighbor thought they had heard gunshots. When they arrived on the scene, Alec took up the job of knocking at the front door, while Jace went around the back of the house to check for areas of egress.  Alec heard a child crying and a guy shouting.  Jace saw the body of a woman through the back door, and told Alec to go in.  The man was standing in the kitchen, pointing a Smith and Wesson at his child.  Alec tried to talk to him, but the man was enraged. He shot his child in the head. When my brother moved in to disarm him, the man fired again, and Alec took a bullet in the shoulder.

R:  Okay, wow.  That’s… wow.  I mean, the trauma of his shooting must be—

I: --Actually, I should say, I’m pretty sure getting shot is not what traumatised him.  I mean, yeah, it’s bad.  Jace and I still have nightmares about it.  For Alec, I think it’s the child.  Based on all accounts, there really was no way they could have saved her. But Alec seems to think there was. He wants to be that hero.  And you saw him with the kids today.  He is a strategist; he solves these kinds of problems for fun.

R:  But there was no way he could control those circumstances.

I:  So, we have told him, and so he _says_  he understands.  But his mind works on the scenario over and over.  The Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda game.

R:  Do you think he blames himself?

I:  Oh, a hundred percent.  He will tell you that he doesn’t.  I think, logically, he knows he’s not to blame.  But in his heart, I think he’s damned himself, just like Mom and Dad did.

R:  That is… some very heavy stuff to work through.

I:  I know.  I would be delighted if he actually went to talk to someone about it. I am never worried about him when he’s in the field, you know?  He’s calm, collected, and he’s actually got an excellent reputation on his beat.  But it’s the hours he has all to himself I worry about.

R:  I see.  With all that in mind, do you think advancing this career is a good move for him?

I:  I really do.  Alec is a born leader.  Jace has talent and drive to rival anyone on the force in his age bracket, but Alec knows how to listen, how to plan, and how to process.  I think he would love to use a role where he could become involved in policy and public outreach to prevent scenarios like the one that got him injured, and I think that we, in our city, could truly benefit from that. If he is given a chance, I think he could do amazing things.

R: That’s really good to know, Isabelle. I think that’s all the time we have for today.  Thank you so much for your time today.

I:  No problem!  Thank you.

 

INTERVIEW ENDS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Definitely wasn't sure about the format, but I hope it works. Speaking of work, the construction season is brutal and updates may be a little slow for a bit. I am sorry about that. Be good to yourselves in the meantime.


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